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OK, let’s not talk politics right now. But let’s talk about how well we get on with other people at work. Work situations may not be as contentious as family conversations about the latest news headline, but they can be difficult nonetheless.
I’m sure many of us have been in situations where we have a very strong opinion of how a boss, co-worker, or employee just “is." This person is a “jerk” we might say, or “clueless” or “uncaring” or “low-performing” or...pick your favorite label. Chances are you’ve built up a whole story about why this person is the way they are.
And, interestingly, we often hold this point of view as fact. “No!”, we’ll argue, “This person really is a 'jerk' because every time he shows up to a meeting he does [pick a behavior]."
Let's be clear. Your point of view is valid. A more interesting question, however, is not whether you're right or wrong, but rather, how you can be more effective with this person.
How likely are you to act toward this “jerk” if that’s just how you think this person “is”? Chances are that you see bad intentions in their behavior and either challenge back aggressively or withdraw completely.
This work relationship is not likely to develop a high degree of trust and you’re not likely to perform well together with this pattern of thinking. And recent shifts to more virtual or remote working arrangements only exacerbate this dynamic because we end up having fewer and more constrained interactions with others.
This is a very common situation in the workplace. Without thinking too much about it, we categorize our colleagues in benign and not-so-benign ways. And this has implications. What’s going on here?
As humans, we have an amazing ability to interpret and build stories around life circumstances and our relationships with others. The organization development scholar, Chris Argyris, describes this process as the ladder of inference.
As we experience raw data from our environment (e.g., the words people speak, the tone of their voice, their body language) we instantaneously form an interpretation or opinion of the person from that raw data as well as our life conditioning and previous experiences.
On the one hand, this process is a super power! It makes it easier and more efficient for us to navigate the complexities of world. We don’t have to wake up each day and relearn through direct experience how other people are likely to behave. We can make reasonable assumptions about others based on past experiences and save more brain power for addressing novel situations.
The challenge, though, is that we get stuck in our interpretations of how other people are. And relationship dynamics get stuck as a result. While we think our interpretations simply describe the world as we see it, our interpretations become a feedback loop that generates the conditions for the interpretation we already have.
This is the confirmation bias in action in our work relationships. We think a person is a “jerk” so we selectively observe the behaviors that seem “jerk-like." This impacts how we behave toward this “jerk” which, in turn, can reinforce their “jerk-like” behavior…and the cycle continues.
It’s been my experience that this dynamic is at the heart of many dysfunctional relationships or under-performing teams at work. But what can you do about this?
Try these steps to be more effective in dealing with challenging circumstances and relationships in the workplace:
First, notice your interpretations and see them for what they are. Oftentimes, we say a person “is” a certain way as if that is an unassailable statement of fact about the other person. But is this a “fact” or is this just your interpretation?
Interpretations are necessary and unavoidable—they’re not bad in and of themselves. The danger comes when we hold them as objective truth. Rather than saying “this person is…”, try saying “I’m interpreting this person to be…."
This alternative statement is much closer to the truth. And now, in your mind, there’s space for other interpretations or other ways of interacting with this person to emerge.
Next, question your interpretation. Ask yourself some questions. “Why do I think this way about the person?” “What behavior am I basing this interpretation on?” “What other interpretations might explain what I’m seeing?”
You may find that your initial interpretation was just that—but one initial point of view that will evolve and change with new information. Note: This is a difficult step! You may find yourself feeling challenged. People, in general, don’t want to hold uncertainty.
But, see if you can sit in this uncertainty for a little while, despite the discomfort. New insights about you and the other person may emerge in that psychological space. If nothing else, you’ll hold your interpretations more softly and less rigidly.
Next step, learn how to own your interpretation and share it constructively. Now that you’re slowing down just a bit, try sharing your point of view with this person. The key here isn’t to call people names. The key, rather, is to own your interpretation.
To do this, use “I” statements. “Bob, I noticed in the last meeting that you said nothing when I asked my question. Based on that—but I could be wrong—I interpreted that you weren’t interested in what I had to say.” Gulp…that’s hard to do! But nowhere in those statements did I claim Bob “is” a certain way. I was careful to emphasize what "I" saw and how "I" interpreted it.
Lastly, create a dialogue. Like you, everyone has their own interpretations, but may not feel comfortable sharing them. If you can share yours effectively, you can make it OK for other people to share theirs. With both interpretations in the space, there’s a better chance at establishing a real dialogue and achieving new levels of shared understanding.
Relationships can only shift when how we talk to each other shifts. “Bob, I realize this is just my interpretation of things. Is it accurate? How did you experience the meeting?”
Now there’s room for Bob to have his point of view enter the space and for me to change my own point of view with new information. Now, I may still maintain my interpretation that Bob "acts like a jerk" at times, but at least we're talking about it. That's progress.
While these steps are challenging (and likely to be accompanied by a lot of fear and doubt), they are super important in building better relationships and better outcomes at work. The key here is to get curious about how you yourself view and interact with others. You need to take that first step. Rather than interacting with people label-to-label, check your interpretations and relate to them human-to-human—just like you want others to interact with you.
