How to Deal With a Huge Sibling Income Gap

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Families, depending on where they fall on the uneven rungs of the U.S. income and wealth distribution ladder, live in different circumstances. We know that economic inequality makes for important differences between families, in how they live and experience the world. But what about economic inequality within families?

We probably know of families, maybe even our own, in which members are not in the same tax bracket and live quite differently. But this is not an aspect of economic inequality that we talk about very much, maybe because it does not quite fit with how we like to imagine families—as cohesive units in which members share the same pot of resources. Yet lately, there does seem to be more awareness and interest in exploring what monetary differences between family members can look and feel like.

The ABC sitcom "Home Economics," launched in 2021, is about the lives and relationships of three adult siblings whose financial lives are about as far apart as one could get. The oldest brother, Tom, is a middle-class struggling writer; Sarah is a social worker who is barely making ends meet; and the youngest brother, Connor, runs a private equity firm and is in the top 1 percent of wage earners in the U.S. The three have squabbles in typical sibling fashion over just about everything, including money. In typical sitcom fashion, though, we see these problems resolved at the end of the 30-minute episodes.

Of course, not many of us (actually, hardly any of us) have a super-wealthy sibling. We may very well, though, have a sibling who makes significantly more or less money than us.

Sibling relationships are life-spanning and carry important consequences for health and well-being. Inevitably, though, in a society in which money matters so much, economic differences can challenge these relationships.

Since 2019, the Global Siblings & Inequality Project, which I launched, has been exploring economic gaps in families by studying the experiences of financially disparate adult siblings in India, Sweden, the United States, and other parts of the world. We have interviewed siblings who grew up together but whose life trajectories have diverged and created dissimilar economic circumstances and lifestyles for them in their adult years. Through this, we have learned how siblings in these circumstances (“cross-class siblings”) can effectively navigate their economic gaps and create fulfilling and supportive relationships with each other.

Olivia (not her real name), a successful lawyer, told us how she and her sister, a food industry worker, “could not be more different.” She has a lot more in common with her close friends. Still, she feels a special “love connection” with her sister and cherishes their times together: “I just love my sister. When we get together, we laugh and joke and we talk about my mom and our kids and our family and food.” Their “sib-ship” is strengthened by the acceptance that the two do not have to be best friends. They don’t have to have common interests and mindsets and share their entire lives together; rather, they can just treasure their relationship like the gem that it is.

Jenny, a home health care worker making just above the poverty line, told us that, “Money is not everything.” Jenny shares the care of her elderly mother with her sister, a professional with a six-figure salary. And their relationship is strengthened by their appreciation for each other. “My sister tells me all the time that she’s incredibly grateful for all of the practical ways I help our mother. She says money can’t buy love. And I say back to her, but money does pay for medical bills.”

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For adult siblings in divergent financial circumstances, gift exchange can be a tricky matter. Not only are there the usual worries, like, Will they like it? or, Do they already have one of those? There is also the anxiety of trying to give a present that is (or at least looks like it is) of similar value to what you expect to receive.

In some families, siblings are totally fine with giving and receiving gifts of uneven value. But for others, it is a sore spot of anger and resentment. In order to avoid these problems, cross-class siblings can organize gift exchanges to minimize asymmetries. They can, for example, agree to limit spending to a certain dollar amount, to only give presents to children, or to restrict gifts to homemade and consignment store items. Or maybe even avoid gifts completely.

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When it comes to loans between siblings, defining terms that are acceptable and realistic is especially important. Siblings can make sure a loan does not ultimately erode their relationship by doing a close internal check of their own expectations, how realistic they are, and what they are willing to accept in the long term.

Isiah, a successful music performer, producer, and DJ, lent money to his brother knowing he would never be repaid: “It’s a loan in name only. I’m not getting it back. And you know, I’m fine with that.”

In our research, we found that siblings with unequal economic circumstances may need to re-frame their understanding of past family histories. Some families, especially those with cross-class siblings, internalize the Black Sheep and the Golden Child, incorporating them into their family histories. When this happens, these destructive ideas become part of how siblings see themselves and relate to each other. The Black Sheep and the Golden Child are deeply damaging myths. Regardless of whether they are of a vilifying or glorifying nature, these myths accentuate the exceptionalism of one child, setting them apart and creating barriers to empathy and understanding between siblings and family members.

Unraveling these “exceptional child” narratives is tough but necessary for siblings who want to better connect with each other. It’s only when siblings let down their guard enough to listen carefully to each other that they can come to understand how their different life trajectories can’t be explained by just one thing, such as their sibling’s exceptional talent or proclivity for trouble.

Listening, accepting, and appreciating. These are simple though certainly not easy steps in any family relationship. But they are likely to be well worth the effort for cross-class siblings who want to focus on what brings them together instead of what drives them apart.

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