Verified by 
Key points
- Change catapults us into the unknown, and it’s this aspect that can generate fear.
- The fear can then tell us to stop and go back.
- If we can listen to our old messages from fear and learn new ones, change can show up in new ways.
Change is all around us, all the time. The seasons, our bodies, our politicians; we cannot avoid it. However, one of the most common questions therapists get is: Can I really change? Can this really change?
Can I Change?
When directing the question inward on ourselves, we have vast capabilities to engender the change we want to see in our lives. Of course, there are some things we can only influence (i.e., physical health, job responsibilities, parenting stress), while there are other things that we can intentionally shift.
When change is difficult, we should look inward and ask ourselves: What is getting in the way of this change? Oftentimes, it is a fear or a message we believe about ourselves and our capabilities.
Is it the fear that I won't be able to cope with X happening? Is it fear that I will fail? What are our beliefs about failure if that's the case? What would we believe about ourselves if we do fail?
Shifting Into the Unknown
Change, any change, catapults us into the unknown. That's the very nature of change. We are shifting from something familiar, tried and true, comfortable and predictable to something foreign, new and unfamiliar. We know that we experience success in the things we're good at and familiar with—of course. So we are going to be more prone to stick with that.
But when we introduce the idea of change, we have that small voice telling us: You've not done this before. You've not been this before. Are you sure you're going to make it? What if it's bad? What if it's dangerous? What if you don't make it?
When fear comes in and tells us we can't change, we can acknowledge and thank that fear for trying to protect us while at the same time returning to our values (and, in this case, a value to change) and let our values drive our choice, not fear.
Can I Make the Fear Go Away?
But what about the fear? How do I make it go away? I hear you ask. Well, you're going to be afraid. There isn't a magic cure to our feelings; there isn't a way to lobotomize ourselves into being feeling-less robots. But we can, instead, update the messaging in our minds.
You may have messages that say:
- Fear is bad.
- Fear must be gone before I can "do the thing."
- Failure must not be an option for me to "do the thing."
- Success must be promised and inevitable for me to "do the thing."
These messages, if you believe them, will absolutely make you pump the brakes on taking the steps and activating change. Instead, let's explore the practice of updating our messaging.
What if we instead heard the messages that:
- Fear in the face of something new and unfamiliar (i.e., change) is allowed to pop up.
- Fear is a normal and expected part of life—especially the changing parts of life.
- Fear doesn't have to stop me; instead, it can come along with me.
- Fear can be a companion, not a prison guard.
Change is possible—even scary change. We can still do things when fear comes along. Do the thing, but do it afraid—and watch what happens.
