What to Do When You Aren't Sure What Your Child Is Feeling

Children, like adults, are capable of heartfelt emotions but may not know how to name what is going on inside or how to express it to you. Feelings may come out in action rather than words, leaving many a parent uncertain about what’s happening. How can you figure that out and help them access what they feel to communicate it effectively to the people in their lives? Often, difficulty doing so leads to strained relationships and a child who remains alone with distress. We have seen this come up often in our work with parents and thought it would be helpful to take a closer look.

Tisha, age 8, had been newly returning home from school pouty, irritable and monosyllabic. Separately and together, her parents asked questions like, “TIsha, what’s wrong?” or “Tisha, did something happen at school that is upsetting you?” Each time, Tisha would shrug her shoulders and look away, leaving her parents feeling frustrated, worried and sometimes irritated with her. They contacted her teacher who concurred that she seemed more remote but didn’t see any overt reason why. After a month of this, they came to talk to one of us about what to do.

The most important thing to note is that Tisha was indeed communicating her feelings — though without words — and that she needed help to identify them.

The first step should be for you to check in with yourself to understand what you are feeling about your child’s upset.

Tisha’s mom was annoyed, presuming that Tisha knew but just wouldn’t say. As we talked about it, it became clear that underneath that anger, Tisha’s not answering made her mom feel helpless. Her dad was worried — maybe there was a very big problem that they weren’t fixing and things could get worse. Each of these reactions was impacting their interactions with Tisha, causing them to pressure her and likely leading her to shut down even more about what was going on.

For your child to trust that you will be open to whatever they feel, you first need to understand how you feel about what your child is expressing. Sort out why you feel that way and clear your own agenda from the interaction. Only then can you feel and truly show your child that it is okay to feel what they feel and that you will stay with them in it and listen. Your child may worry that what they are thinking and feeling will disappoint, anger and/or worry you — even if your child isn’t fully aware of that obstacle to opening up. This will lead them to close off sometimes, even to themselves.

A second step is to let your child know that you see that something is going on within them. You should state clearly that you are there to help and you understand that things may feel confusing inside. This is all without probing as to what the feelings are while showing that you can be an empathic and compassionate listener without pressuring them.

A third step is to contact the school to inquire if the teacher is aware and might know the cause. It helps hugely to work with the school to provide your child a safety net of understanding people at home and away.

And then you should say that there are lots of ways to let feelings out that don’t involve words. You can offer your child art (drawing or painting ) or music of various moods to listen quietly to or dance, move and shake to. And it is important to say that you would like to see if you can help sort out what’s been happening. Your child may or may not take you up on the offer, but in making it you are opening up a dialogue about something upsetting them and it paves the way for unpressured conversations. Basically, you offer support about the feelings even before you explore what is causing them — that information will likely emerge naturally once a trustworthy space is created between you. Furthermore, sometimes your child may not know exactly why they are upset and it is only when they feel held emotionally that the cause becomes clearer within them.

After her parents spent some gentle time with Tisha listening to some of her favorite Beatles songs with no questions being asked, Tisha started to tear up. They held her sitting quietly suggesting that she just let it come as it needed to. Eventually, between tears, Tisha told them that her best friend Robin had been ignoring her at school. She seemed to be forming a close friendship with Derek and leaving Tisha out. Her parents were able to talk with her more about what she was experiencing and only then approach creating a plan that included her teacher to try to work it out with Robin.

In Tisha’s situation, the problem causing her upset was not as worrisome as her family feared. However, sometimes it might be a bigger issue. Whatever emerges, you want to be a safe space for your child, not rushing in to fix it, but instead listening and remaining steady. This is true whatever the age of your child.

In summary, what creates a deeper trusting connection with your child is working through your own emotions to clear the way for your child to feel you are there with them, without pressure, receptive to whatever they feel. This is a challenge, of course, because we naturally react with worry, anger, and other feelings when our children are in distress. However, it is well worth rising to this challenge because you will reap the benefits for years to come in the form of a child and future adult who will talk with you, trust you, and respect you.