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The Entitled Adult
So let's sum up the unfortunate consequences of parents' being over-responsive to the various wants (but not really needs) of their children. Or--to put it bluntly--how they end up creating not-very-grown-up grown ups.
If the central role of parents in society is to prepare their children for the real world--a world in which we can't always get what we want (at least not right away), then it's pivotal that children learn how to maintain their emotional equilibrium in the face of frustrations and setbacks. Learning to interact cooperatively (rather than competitively) with others is also crucial. Sadly, however, these are life lessons entitled children are never really required to learn. On the contrary, here's what these children typically do learn--even though they may have little-to-no awareness of such unconscious assumptions and beliefs:
• It's all right to take others for granted.
• Others exist to help me get what I want.
• I have every right to depend on others.
• It's essentially OK for me to lie to, cheat, manipulate, and exploit others if it enables me to achieve my goals (as in, the means justifies the end . . . when that end is me).
• My way is the right way; I don't really need to consider any others.
• I can do whatever I need to control those around me.
• Hard work is for others; it really isn't anything I myself am obliged to do.
• I have a right to use (borrow or take) what belongs to others (their money, possessions-even, possibly, their "space").
• My needs are more important than others' needs.
• I have a perfect right to get whatever I want.
• I deserve to be the center of attention.
• I deserve special treatment and consideration.
• I deserve benefits and rewards without having to earn them.
• I shouldn't have to wait to get my wants and needs taken care of. [And in this respect, I can hardly overemphasize that entitled individuals can't really distinguish between what (in the moment) they want, and what it is they actually need].
• Because I'm special, I don't have to abide by the same rules as others. [Or, as one writer especially harsh toward those with a sense of entitlement puts it, "Taken to extremes (this "privileged" attitude) can lead to criminal acts--theft, sexual assault, violence or even murder. When you don't believe the word ‘no' applies to you, anything goes."]
Is it any wonder, then, that adults with an overblown sense of entitlement may encounter all sorts of problems in holding down a job, cultivating a successful relationship, maintaining friendships, and pursuing anything that requires sustained effort and a willingness to endure frustration? Unknowingly, their parents taught them that through conniving, scheming--and even downright duplicity--life could be free of struggles.
And so entitled adults generally lack the self-discipline to persevere when the going gets tough. Because their parents labored to protect them from the "slings and arrow of outrageous fortune," they're simply not prepared to deal with challenging times when they occur. Never having been obliged (or encouraged) to wrestle with difficulties on their own till (by dint of their own efforts) they overcame them, they're likely to give up on things prematurely. In consequence, they'll experience dissatisfaction and discontent--precisely those irksome frustrations their parents worked so hard to safeguard them from. . . . And thus is the final irony of looking out too much, or in the wrong way, for your children.
Entitled individuals arrive at adulthood full of erroneous--if not arrogant--assumptions. If, for example, they want a raise or job promotion, they don't question whether or not they deserve it. Rather, they assume that if this is what they want, then of course it's deserved. And programmed from childhood to believe they're almost always entitled to what they desire, how could they not feel this way?
Harboring such a grandiose sense of self, they're likely to attempt to achieve what they want by "mowing down" the opposition--which also feels reasonable to them, since their parents didn't effectively teach them about empathy, or about giving equal weight to the wants, need, and rights of others. As already suggested, their exaggerated sense of entitlement even extends to their questioning whether the laws governing others also apply to them. And if their parents put them on a pedestal, they may be destined to feel--as "royalty"--that it's right for others to serve them. They may even view the people around them as obligated to take care of their wants and needs.
As I noted at the outset, entitled individuals feel that the world "owes" them, that somehow society should be indebted to them--despite their never having done anything for society that, rationally, could create such indebtedness. In growing up, the message they frequently received (and internalized right down to their bones) was that they didn't have to do anything they didn't want to. And more, that they could leave, or quit, things whenever they became uncomfortable with them. It's hardly surprising, then, if as adults they become chronic "job-hoppers," all too ready to accept unemployment (or be "wards" of the state) when the position they're in starts to feel too demanding. Never needing to learn the lesson of hard work and persistence--or to develop a principled sense of responsibility--these adult assets simply aren't accessible when they're most needed.
In relationships, the entitled adult's irrational sense of deserving can induce them to move from one relationship to another ("relationship hopping"?) in the attempt to find a person who will better flatter their inflated (but not particularly secure) self-esteem, or put a higher priority on addressing their wants than on that person's own. After all, it's been said that in the lexicon of such "elite" individuals the term reciprocity doesn't even exist.
But expecting their partner to virtually sacrifice themselves for their greater comfort, convenience, or pleasure is a tall order. And the result of such entitled expectations is either that their partner leaves as soon as they realize just what's demanded of them, or stays but becomes increasingly resentful about having to subjugate themselves to the degree required of them. Further, since the "spoiled" adult learned in childhood that inconsiderateness, insensitivity--even rudeness and cruelty--could be effective ways of getting what they wanted from their parents, such ungracious, disrespectful, or autocratic treatment may be the only "reward" for someone inclined to love and care for them.
Again, entitled adults are counter-prepared for the give-and-take essential to a happy union. And without intense, deeper-level therapy, it may simply be beyond their capability to have a healthy relationship-one in which both parties are looking out for the other's needs, protecting each other's vulnerabilities, and striving to accommodate their differences.
Note: Here are links to Parts 1, 2, 4, & 5 of this multi-part post.
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