7 Lessons That Can Change How You Engage With Your Children

As parents and caregivers, we play a significant role in the development of our children’s emotional and psychological foundations. Simple actions, a supportive presence, and adjustments in how we communicate can help nurture healthy relationships, build deeper connections, and foster resilience.

Here are seven valuable insights I have come upon in my research, my work with children, teens, and families, and my own experiences that can change the way we engage with our children and teens:

1. Have your face light up when they walk into a room.

This first learning comes from the brilliant writer Toni Morrison. She said:

“When a child walks in the room, your child or anybody else’s child, do your eyes light up? That’s what they’re looking for.”

What a simple act that can have a remarkable impact on a child. So often, we can be quick to judge or to get to the “doing” that we don’t let them know we are glad to see them. Having your face light up has the power to convey warmth, love, and happiness without a need for words. This simple act allows your face to reflect what’s in your heart. It provides them with validation and security and, ultimately, allows them to feel seen.

To this day, my face still lights up whenever I am reunited with my three teens. It can make more of a difference than we know.

2. When hugging, let them pull away first.

Hugs nurture our sense of belonging, security, and trust. They have the ability to calm the nervous system and let our loved ones know they have a safe place to land.

The reality is we may not know just what our child needs to fill their emotional bucket. Sometimes, you might notice you’ll get a 10-second hug just in passing, and other times, they may linger a little longer. When they linger, you don’t have to say anything; they just need to know that they are loved and supported.

My gentle invitation for you is the next time you get that hug, lean in and let them hold on as long as they need.

3. Play!

When my research team and I were able to ask children, “When do you feel the most loved by your adult?” the number-one answer we heard was, “When they play with me.” This finding might provide a sense of relief for some—knowing that it’s not always the extravagant vacations and birthday parties or perfectly set tables and elaborate meals that matter most.

In our very full lives, it may feel difficult to be “unproductive” without guilt. Yet, engaging in play is far from unproductive. Play strengthens bonds and supports child development in countless ways. It is a gateway to empathy, communication, and relationships. My invitation is for you to find moments of ease and allow yourself to enter their world and join in on the fun.

4. Engage in their world as a supporter, not a rescuer.

When I work with parents and caregivers, I often talk about the distinction between being a rescuer and being a supporter. Most of us want to know how to best prepare our children to meet life’s inevitable challenges, yet we can be inclined to jump in to rescue and save them rather than allowing them the space to problem-solve and develop confidence in their capacity to navigate difficulties. For example, if you pick your child up from school every time they are experiencing anxiety, this is rescuing. If you teach them the skills and tools to navigate big emotions like anxiety, then you are supporting them.

Of course, we step in if they are truly in harm’s way, but the idea here is that our children need supporters to allow them to learn how to cope and thrive amid difficulties—to fall, fail, and make mistakes when the stakes are lower—so they can bravely grow into their future.

In 2020, I had the privilege of partnering with Scouts Canada to develop a guide to raising resilient children if you are interested in learning more about this.

5. Try ear-to-ear versus face-to-face conversations.

Ear-to-ear conversations offer a unique dynamic that can help alleviate the potential intimidation of face-to-face conversations, particularly for teenagers. Positioning yourself by their side rather than in front of them emphasizes that you are allies working together to address any issues or challenges. This shift in body language suggests a collaborative “us against the problem” rather than an adversarial “me against you” scenario.

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Sitting together on the couch, chatting in the car, or having conversations in the kitchen while engaged in other activities can create a more relaxed and informal atmosphere, making teens feel more at ease and inclined to share openly. This approach can help to foster a sense of mutual respect and facilitate more meaningful and productive conversations.

6. Not every conversation needs to be about the challenge they are navigating.

When I was able to work with a group of teenagers who were going through a difficult season, I asked: “What would you want your adult to know? What do you wish your grown-up understood about you?” Their responses were enlightening. Many expressed wanting their grown-ups to know that not every conversation had to be about the problems. It was clear that amidst life’s complexities, teens yearn to be seen as regular kids and have regular conversations without every interaction being a teachable moment or lesson.

7. Listen with the intention of really hearing them.

So often, when our children and teens come to us with something to share, we immediately jump into fixing the problem and offering solutions. Yet, many times, they just want someone to listen, empathize with their feelings, and validate their experiences.

We have the power to help them feel heard and understood by holding space and actively listening. Next time a loved one comes to you seeking support, I invite you to try asking, “Do you need comfort or solutions?” This simple question allows them to express what they need in that moment and puts you in a position to meet that need.

These are just seven lessons that have made a big difference for me and for countless others with whom I have had the privilege of sharing them. I trust that you will experience the benefits of showing up for the people who matter most. Remember, you are replaceable in every job, role, and position you will ever hold except for being a parent. At the end of the day, getting these moments right with your kids will be the ultimate return on your investment.