Recognizing When a Friendship Is Lopsided

Close adult friendships are important to our sense of self. Such friendships are critical to psychological growth and health. Frequently there is one person with whom there is a particularly close friendship—a best friend. Yet sometimes close friends can seem to grow more distant.

Let's say a person whom you consider to be your closest friend now rarely initiates contact. In fact, when you review the ratio of your initiations to theirs you realize it is lopsided. If you don’t call, text, or email, months can go by without contact. Yet when you do talk or get together it feels like a genuine connection; it feels like a real friendship. You chastise yourself for being petty, childish, and a “bean counter.” But the truth is you don’t feel comfortable about the asymmetrical nature of the friendship.

You are reluctant to broach the topic with your friend. You worry that it may make you seem as if you are needy, too invested in the friendship, and possibly be perceived as lacking the social skills to have a wide circle of friendships. You ruminate about what all of this says about you and your “friend worthiness” and whether you have any authentic friendships.

Social Concept of Relationships

Sociologists and social psychologists developed the concept of “social exchange” or reciprocity in relationships (Emerson, 1976; Ikkink & van Tilburg, 1999). The theory assumes that most people prefer a balance in social reciprocity (i.e., both parties give and receive about equally). Waning reciprocity in friendships may be reflected as one-directional initiation of contact, one-sided sharing of problems, or a pattern of last-minute cancelation of plans. Imbalance may suggest that one party is more invested than the other in the friendship or that one party benefits while the other does not. Such imbalance may reflect that the friendship means more to one person than the other. Reciprocal imbalances may reflect differences in the stage of friendship between two people.

Researchers Bleizer and Adams (1992) identified the following phases in friendships:

1. Formation: This phase reflects the movement from stranger to acquaintance to friends. It involves getting to know each other and letting the other person know you; there are reciprocal levels of interaction and initiation of connection.
2. Maintenance: This phase may be variable and reflects the degree to which the individuals sustain the friendship. There may be periods when both parties are engaged in the friendship; there may be other periods of “benign neglect” where both parties infrequently contact one another. Or there may be periods when one party may direct the contact more often than the other (e.g., imbalance in reciprocity), These friendship dyads are anchored frequently in shared values and experiences. During the individuals’ lives, the friendship may be in abeyance for a long time, perhaps even years. In some cases, this may be a result of external obligations; however, when the demands diminish the friendship is reinitiated. Maintenance can last a long time; even a lifetime.
3. Dissolution: Some friendships dissolve abruptly or over the course of time when waning interest eventually leads to a lack of contact. Some dissolutions are intentional and event-related (e.g., a quarrel). Others are unintentional and without a particular intent to dissolve the friendship (e.g., benign neglect). Dissolution may be indirect; that is, one friend may stop calling or rarely call or initiate contact, or both parties may not engage in initiating contact.

When a friendship feels lopsided, it may be because the friends are in different phases. One friend may have the expectation of a high-level of connectivity that characterizes the formation phase (where there was balance in reciprocity). The other friend may be in a period where they wish to have a lower level of connection, as in the maintenance phase. These differences in expectations can lead to a lack of reciprocity and an imbalance in the level of initiating contact. Or there may be other reasons for the reciprocity imbalance: such as unrealistic expectations for closeness by one party when one friend may be too emotionally needy; or an inaccurate reading of the level of closeness of the friendship.

Reflecting on Reasons Why the Friendship Seems Different Can Help

It can be especially difficult to understand why a long-term friendship that was anchored in trust, support, and concern for one another is fading. As in any relationship, impending loss or actual loss can lead to very understandable reactions such as feeling hurt or sad. Before personalizing the reasons for the friendship cooling off, it may be of value to examine the context. Your friend may be in a period of intense life demands: increased family responsibilities (e.g., age or health related); or employment or career situations requiring considerable time and energy.

A lopsided relationship also may be a signal that one is hanging onto the past and that the friendship has run its course. Just as all people are not alike, all our friendships are not alike. Some friendships are sustained throughout our lifetime. Others reflect seasons of closeness in our lives (e.g., work friendships that discontinue after retirement or leaving for another position) and end when there are no longer shared interests. Others may end when one friend changes and grows in a direction that is different or no longer in sync with the other friend.

Reflecting on the different types of friendships may offer a way to understand the imbalance. Whatever the situation that brings about a diminishing friendship, moving beyond the painful feelings created by lopsided reciprocity is an opportunity for psychological growth and a prompt to explore new interests and form new friendships.