The "Good Mother": Does She Exist?

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Who is a good mother?

Goodwin and Huppatz (2010), in their study of contemporary motherhood in Australia, observe that the image of “the good mother” is powerful, though a much more nuanced concept than it would first appear. The authors observed that the "good mother" reflects the ideals of motherhood that stem from cultural beliefs, social arrangements, and social practices, such as a focus on a nuclear family or extended kinship groups. It is contextualized to sociocultural expectations and practices. Goodwin and Huppatz note that the ideal of the good mother may “operate beyond the belief systems or choices of individual women” (p.2).

In contemporary society, the ideal of the good mother is a changing concept, diverse and in flux. The good mother can take many different forms: the good working mother, the good stay-at-home mother, the good single mother, the good mother who is a stepmother, grandmother, aunt, etc. The good mother may shift with political ideology; for example, for some societies, feminist ideologies specifically have shifted the paradigm away from the expectation that most women have as a biological imperative or drive to be mothers, whereas, in other societies or cultural subgroups, this may not be the case.

Goodwin and Huppatz observe that the good mother may be a concept that is vulnerable to projection and stereotyping. They suggest the good mother is “a formidable social construct placing pressure on women to conform to particular standards and ideals, against which they are judged and judge themselves” (p.1-2). At the idealized pole, the good mother always acts responsibly, is an intuitive nurturer, and places her children above all else—as she is, at her core, devoted to family.

The good mother may be equated with saintliness. The mother archetype is the selfless nurturer. However, a more realistic assessment is that a good mother is not a perfect mother, just as no human being is a perfect person.

A mother may behave the same or differently toward each of her children. This, too, can be a function of her dynamics alone or the dynamics of the relationship between the mother and the child. A child’s (adult children included) belief that “Mother loved me more” is not always exaggerated or false. Mothers, like everyone else, may have biases toward family members.

Do children (young or adult) have equal love for each parent and express their feelings the same way to both? Probably not. Each one of us is a unique person, and thus interactions with certain people cannot always be the same as those with others. Psychologically speaking, a good mother loves all her children but interacts with them according to who they are and their needs.

Mothers may express their concern and love based on how they were mothered. For example, mothers whose own mothers were anxious or fearful of what could happen to their child may, in turn, become overprotective of their children. A mother who lost her own mother at a young age may want to be very involved in her child’s life to create as many memories as possible. A mother whose own mother expressed love through food may do so with her own children.

Mothering styles may not change, even as the child grows into adulthood. In some cases, a person may idealize their mother not because she is a saint, but because of a dysfunctional situation (e.g., child’s fear of being abandoned or inability to recognize her weaknesses and faults). In these cases, the love the individual has for their mother may be due to conscious or unconscious factors.

Why Mothers Matter So Much

Despite the archetypes of the all-giving and intuitive nurturer that may be embedded in our psyches, no mother is a perfect mother; yet, for many, the imperfect human that is mother is beloved. Of all the people in the world, who loves us the most? The majority of people will name their mother. Why? Maybe because of the visceral connectivity and oneness while in the womb. Maybe because she was the first who kissed, fed, spoke kind words, and lovingly caressed us. There could be many explanations. However, the desire to be unconditionally loved is an exceptionally strong emotion, and most mothers, in their own way, demonstrate this.

It is not uncommon for people across all ages to “want” their mother in times of need. This is most poignantly observed when one is critically ill or crying out from pain and calls for their mother, even though she may not be alive. The reassurance we obtain from our mother’s presence, words, and touch often gives us the confidence, stamina, and desire to meet life’s most challenging events.

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Our mothers (and ourselves as mothers) most certainly never actualized the idealized archetype of the perfect nurturer. Her love may not always have been unconditional; she is, after all, as imperfect in her humanity as are we. But our mothers have loved us, and we have loved our mothers. She is a good mother, even with myriad expressions of imperfect nurturing.