Should You Follow Your Heart in Love?

You likely heard about the 41-year-old high school teacher in Modesto, California, James Hooker, who recently left his job, wife, and children to partner with one of his students, Jordan Powers, now aged 18. During interviews with the press he stated that he had to follow his heart rhetorically asking, "Do we make everyone else happy or do we follow our heart?" So, what do you think? Should they "follow their heart?" This question reflects the frequent view that in romance and love the heart should override the brain. Many have this viewpoint. But I'd like to suggest that following the heart should not mean turning off the brain.

Hollywood, romance novels, and other fairy tales frequently make the point that you should follow your heart's desire when it comes to love and romance. There is this romantic notion that when two people fall in love or are mutually attracted to each other in a passionate manner then the birds start to sing, rainbows comes out, violins are heard, love is in the air, and the couple should act on this attraction regardless of consequence. Whether it is Romeo and Juliet or Brad and Angelina this theme has been part of our cultural mythos for centuries. Maybe this is a good idea but often it is a really really bad idea.

In the California case, a middle-aged man leaves his wife and children as well as his job to pursue a relationship with his student more than half his age. A teacher-student relationship is never equal due to the power differential as well. Press reports state that the attraction began long before she turned 18. The story has gotten so much press since it is a teacher-student relationship with a large age difference and that there are questions about the relationship starting before she turned 18 . This all brings up a great deal of anger and upset among many. Of course, there may be much more to this story than we know but it is a common theme in the notion that one should follow your heart regardless of consequence.

Probably most teachers, if they were honest, would report that they have had times when they have been sexually and romantically attracted to one of their students. Of course almost all teachers who may have had these impulses or thoughts don't act on them. They find a way to continue acting professionally and with a great deal of responsibility. Yet, research conducted for the department of education has found many cases over the past half century of high school and middle school teachers sexually engaged with their students. This occurs not only at the primary and secondary school level but at the college and graduate school level as well. It is a too common story (especially during the 1960's and 1970's) in particular according to research reports.

The vast majority of teachers may notice an attraction to the occasional student but not act on it since they are trying to be responsible to their school, job, families, their faith and moral teachings, and to the students that they are entrusted to teach. After all, just because you have an impulse doesn't mean you have to indulge it. We all have lots of impulses and part of surviving and thriving in life is to put the brakes on so many of these impulses.

So, when it comes to attractions it might serve us all well if we keep our brains and heart connected and to thoughtfully reflect upon the consequences of acting on our impulses before doing so. Maybe this couple will live happily ever after or perhaps not. Either way, the right thing to do is to keep the brain and the heart in constant communication.

What do you think?