Co-Parenting and the Coronavirus

Co-parenting with coronavirus

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There comes a time when, despite decades of training and experience, life throws us a curve that brings us to our knees.

A situation so daunting, it humbles us.

I’ve been a couple's therapist for over four decades, during which time I thought I had seen and heard just about everything. And as a result, very little threw me.

That is, until now—the coronavirus pandemic.

Oh, sure, I know how to help people deal with cataclysmic experiences. I’ve helped many heal from traumatic events. Plus, I consider myself an expert in helping couples navigate very, very difficult times and relationships.

But this is different. We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

For one thing, although no one can deny that the coronavirus is gripping our nation, it’s common for couples to disagree about its severity, the precautions that should be taken, and the impact it has or will have on our lives. Arguments about these issues tend to flare rapidly.

Compounding this is the fact that many, many of these couples have young children. If they disagree about the seriousness of the virus, they will certainly disagree about what the kids should or shouldn’t be allowed to do.

One parent thinks the kids should remain at home or in the yard at all times and avoid contact with anyone outside the family. The other parent believes this is an overreaction and that they should be permitted to have playdates and spend time with others in small groups as long as they wash their hands when they’re done.

Still, disagreements such as this seem like child’s play compared to challenges faced by separated or divorced couples when they are at odds about the risks of exposure to others and venturing outside.

Take, for example, an email I received from someone asking for advice:

“My ex-husband and I have joint custody of our 7- and 9-year-old kids. By most standards, we had a fairly cordial divorce and have been fairly good about putting our kids’ needs first since then.

But not anymore. I am scared to death about this virus.

I work from home, so I have been able to care for the kids since school closed. We have been diligent about not taking any chances of getting sick.

Although it has been hard on them—and me—we’ve avoided contact with the outside world. I feel this is crucial right now.

Plus, I’ve been diligent about frequent handwashing. The kids understand how very important this is right now.

But here’s my problem.

My ex-husband totally disagrees with me. He thinks I’m blowing this whole thing out of proportion. When the kids go to his house, they have a different set of rules; he lets them see cousins and play outside with the kids next door. Additionally, his girlfriend is a nurse who, although she doesn’t live with my ex, visits frequently.

Help! I’m losing my mind! What should I do?”

Good question. No, great question.

We are in uncharted territory. Even medical experts admit that there is much about the virus that is unknown. We’re learning, but the truth is, we’re making it up as we go.

So, it is with that caveat in mind that I tackle this very difficult question—how separated and divorced couples should handle their differences about the precautions that should or shouldn’t be taken regarding their kids.

First, although it might be challenging, people need to allow space for their ex to see things differently than they do. Plus, they need to remember that different doesn't mean wrong!

Believe it or not, it’s entirely possible for two people to have diametrically opposed views, and for both people to be right. It’s the case of two rights. Everyone is entitled to his or her feelings.

Also, it’s important to stop trying to convince other people that they’re wrong. It’s a waste of time, energy, and it’s hurtful. Instead, every time there’s a major disagreement or an immovable impasse, people should take deep breaths and say out loud, “We will just have to agree to disagree.” And mean it.

If one person seems unrelenting, it helps to say, “I don’t want to fight with you about this. I see your point, and I respect that. I feel differently, so let’s just agree to disagree.”

Now, agreeing to disagree is one thing, but this obviously begs the question, “What will the rules be for the kids?”

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Here’s the rule.

Err on the side of caution.

The more relaxed partner should be willing to take precautions that will seem completely unnecessary and overly protective.

Acquiescing doesn’t make the more cautious person “right”; it just means that the more relaxed parent is giving his or her ex the gift of psychological safety.

At a time when our world is medically, financially, socially, and psychologically chaotic, we need to do what we can to help the people in our lives feel as stable as possible.

This is especially true if that person happens to be our kids’ caretaker because anxiety is contagious.

It’s a trickle-down thing.

Keep in mind, this threat of the coronavirus spread isn’t going to last forever. We have to do what we can now to enable family members to feel safe and secure.

Doing so will be a gift that lasts a lifetime.

Just sayin’.