The Overlooked Importance of Attachment Style in Mate Choice

I recently ran a few polls with my followers on X and found that while 97 percent of people acknowledged that knowing someone’s attachment style would be more useful than knowing their Zodiac sign, one in five felt they knew more about their Zodiac sign than their attachment style. They knew more about random Barnum statements with no basis in reality than scientifically grounded constructs that capture how one relates to others.

For those not in the know, attachment style refers to the way individuals form emotional bonds and connections with others, especially in close relationships. Originally researched in the context of a parent-child bond in children, we now know that attachment extends to other relationships as well, including romantic ones in adulthood.

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Attachment boxes

Historically, attachment theorists put people into boxes, labeling them as one having one attachment "type" or another. And while things are now seen as much more of a spectrum, these boxes can be a useful introduction to attachment types.

Being securely attached is a label that fits most people. In classical work looking at the attachment of young children to parents in the United States, around two-thirds of children fell in this category. And this dominates adult attachment in romantic relationships, too. Those securely attached have a positive view of themselves and others and are confident that their needs can be met by their partner. Consequently, they feel comfortable with intimacy and have trust in their relationship.

However, not all people find their needs met by others. When this confidence is shaken, this can lead to becoming insecurely attached. Insecure attachment manifests itself in different ways, and it’s not uncommon to see people labeled as either anxious or avoidant.

Those anxiously attached have a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others, seeking reassurance and validation from them. They worry a lot about their partner's commitment and may be overly concerned with their relationships, sometimes testing their partner and going to great lengths to get the reassurance they need.

In contrast, those avoidantly attached often downplay the importance of close relationships and avoid emotional closeness with others. They tend to have a negative view of others, struggle to trust, are uncomfortable with intimacy, and strive for independence.

Nowadays, attachment researchers use fewer boxes and tend to see anxiety and avoidance as lying on separate high-low spectrums, with “secure” referring to those who score low on both.

Attachment as evolved strategies for managing relationships

Insecure attachment styles are seen by some as maladaptive—undesirable patterns of relating that do more harm than good. And, certainly, that is how they were discussed when I was an undergraduate in the context of child development. However, even back then, attachment struck me as showing some of the hallmarks of adaptation. Luckily, evolutionary psychological research in attachment styles has blossomed, and their ultimate function is better understood.

In the ancestral environment, our survival and reproduction were intimately tied to our social relationships. While secure relationships would have served us best, not all people were dependable and could provide us with what we needed. In that light, insecure patterns of relating might be seen as ways of adapting to relational uncertainty. An anxious style is a way of extracting as much support as possible from an inconsistent partner by ratcheting up the intensity ("You’re not giving me enough, so I’ll do what it takes to get more from you!"), whereas an avoidant style is a way of cutting losses and reducing dependency on someone who might hurt us ("I can’t rely on you, so I’m going to keep my distance and do this on my own!").

From this perspective, insecure attachment shouldn't be a source of shame, but a recognised part of the way that humans manage their relationships to try to maximise support and minimise harm. Even so, attachment has real consequences for relationship dynamics, and that makes them important to consider.

Combining styles

Because there are two people in a relationship, and maybe more in the case of consensual non-monogamy, there are many combinations of attachment styles that produce different relationship dynamics. Two securely attached adults might they have a relatively easy-going relationship as they mutually trust one another and know their needs will be met.

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However, pair someone who is relatively secure with someone highly avoidant, and they might experience their partner as emotionally cold and distant, scared of commitment, and with walls to tear down. An anxious partner, in contrast, might seem high maintenance and with the need for constant reassurance.

A particularly jarring combination occurs when someone high in avoidance is paired with someone highly anxious. This produces a dynamic where one tries to move closer while the other pulls back, causing both needs to be unmet in a perpetual game of cat and mouse—a recipe for drama and upset.

Thus, paying attention to one’s own attachment style and the style of a prospective partner can give us insight into how turbulent our relationship might be in the long run. And so, like kindness and competency, it should be made a priority during mate choice.

Becoming more secure

But what if you are insecurely attached and don’t want to be? Perhaps being avoidant served to protect us when we were younger but is now getting in the way of being closer to those who really care about us, for example.

The good news is that attachment can change. Research shows that insecurity can reduce when someone has good experiences within stable relationships. When insecurely attached people experience trust, reliability, and stability, their attachment security adjusts. They slowly get the message that they don’t have to go above and beyond to get what they need or that they can be vulnerable and things will turn out OK.

Choosing wisely

So, to become more secure in your attachment style, it is worth paying attention to the attachment style of your partner. If him being close to his mother gives you the “ick,” it’s worth thinking about what this tells you about your own patterns of relating. Rejecting partners with secure attachment styles could be closing the door on an opportunity to change your own in the direction you want.

And to those who are securely attached, knowing that change can happen can make it easier to cope with the often-bumpy ride that comes with having a highly anxious or avoidant partner. At the very least, it can help you go into relationships with both eyes open, thinking about the needs of your partner and whether they will be a good fit for you.