Parenting by Lying: Is It Common?

From telling tales about Santa Claus or the tooth fairy, to disciplining through lies (“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you won’t grow any taller”), to lying to protect a child’s feelings (your deceased pet “went to live on a farm”), many parents use lies as a part of parenting.

A recent article reviewed research on parents lying to children and the results are interesting and suggest that parental lying may have an important impact on children’s socialization and future well-being.

First and foremost, most parents lie to their children. In one study, 78% of American parents, and 100% of Chinese parents, admitted to lying to their children (although it is reassuring that only a small percentage of U.S. adults say that their parents lied to them often).

What’s the Harm?

According to social learning theory, children learn behaviors from modeling/imitating their parents’ behaviors, so lying to kids may lead them to believe lying is OK and follow suit. Other research suggests that if parents lie to their children, it may lead them to lie to their parents in return. More importantly, there is some evidence that parents lying to children can have adverse effects on a child’s psychosocial adjustment and negatively affect the child’s attachment to their parents. In extremes, parental lying may lead to antisocial behavior and psychopathy. One caveat: much of this research is correlational, so it is impossible to determine if it is parental lying or something else (e.g., poor parenting style in general) that is affecting the children’s adjustment and well-being.

What to Do

Given that most parents engage in some level of parenting by lying, even if the lies are of the “little white” variety, what should parents be aware of?

The number of lies maters. Most likely, an occasional lie is less likely to have a negative impact than a parent who constantly lies to their kids.

Try modeling honesty. Given that children learn from and imitate their parents, striving to be more honest and open with your kids is going to have a positive impact on their development. Modeling honest behavior, and reinforcing your children for being truthful, is a good strategy.

Follow up and explain. In the event that a lie is told to a child, make sure to confess (perhaps as a child grows and matures) and explain the reasons.

Good parenting style matters. Some research suggests that if parents engage in authoritative parenting (i.e., responsive, supportive parenting, who set limits for children) a few white lies may have little negative effect. Alternatively, authoritarian, punitive parents who use lies to keep their kids in line may have a more detrimental effect on their children.

Consider alternatives to lying. If your child’s violin playing is horrendous, rather than the “you play beautifully” lie, focus on being straightforward and supportive. “You are learning and it takes time,” followed up later with “I noticed you are improving,” is one example.

The authors of the review suggest that more research is needed. As they note, “it is possible [that] parenting by lying motivated by benevolent parenting goals, such as sparing children’s feelings or maintaining a sense of magic [the Santa Claus example], could be positively correlated with children’s self-esteem, cognitive skills, and creativity” (Setoh, et al., 2023, p.5).