Ask This Question to Reduce Your Anxiety and Depression

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I have feelings about my feelings. When I get anxious, I start to feel anxious about my anxiety; when I start to feel depressed, I get more depressed about being depressed. And when I start to feel those feelings, I get more anxious and I manically scramble to fix it, which only worsens the whole situation. What I've discovered is that self-care and self-soothing all are good and fine to calm and support myself. But there's a missing element that I was overlooking. A question that may reduce my anxiety and depression.

Self-care involves taking care of my physical self by eating well, sleeping, and exercising enough. Self-soothing might involve finding things that calm me down like deep breathing or feeling the softness of my housecoat. But there's an entirely different tool that my therapist brought to my attention: avoidance. I can be the driver of depression and anxiety. Not always, but sometimes. For those of you who haven't heard about her and would like to know more about her, you can read about her in this post.

The Connection Between Avoidance and Feeling Bad

I often look for the origins of my struggling in past trauma, my attachment style issues, and my emotional baggage. They've certainly contributed, but there's a more practical and concrete cause. Avoidance may be the culprit creating my nail-biting, dark-space emotions. Not always but sometimes.

I then ask myself this question: What I am avoiding?

I may find I've been getting things done but I haven't been getting the right things done. When I avoid important to-dos my anxiety intensifies; I feel bad about myself and the more depressed I can get.

Now that I recognize the connection, I look at my to-do list, reflect on my personal responsibilities, and see where, if at all, I’ve been procrastinating. I break the task down to its tiniest components. Set a timer for 10 minutes and take a step toward completion. When I do this, I feel relief, a little hope, and start to feel better about myself. Lo and behold, my depression or anxiety, or maybe both, slowly lessen. The pressure is off. Like how a ball held under water rises ever so slightly when the hand that’s holding it back reduces the resistance.

The simple question "What am I avoiding?" has become a powerful wellness tool.

The Fun, Soothe, and Avoid List

Andie made another suggestion: create a Fun, Soothe, and Avoid List. It’s on my fridge where I can see it every day. It has two columns. On the left are fun and/or soothing activities; on the right are things I tend to avoid.

Under the left column: dancing in the kitchen to music; listening to my favorite radio station (yes, I am that old-school); winter swimming with my best friend; texting goofy GIFs. Under the avoidance column: bookkeeping (not surprising); starting work projects; doing laundry; folding said laundry. I’m always adding to the list.

Anxiety and depression narrow my focus. I fixate on how scared and depressed I feel, which tricks me into thinking I can’t accomplish anything which perpetuates the avoidance.

When I see I’m doing the two-step avoidance dance, the key is to not turn on myself, which would only fuel the fires of anxiety and depression. Instead, as best I can, I embrace my perfect imperfection, my wonderful messy humanness, and take one teeny-weeny step towards that task. Sometimes all I can manage is to list the first two steps of said task. I said tiny, right? Anywhere along the line, if my anxiety or depression starts to rise, I step back, pause, and breathe. Once my nervous system calms, I continue with the task.

Anxiety and depression can be driven by avoidance behaviors. Gently asking the question "What am I avoiding?" can equal forward motion and as a result reduced anxiety and depression.

Managing my mental health is a process of compassionately embracing my humanness and taking one small step at a time toward healing.

"What Am I Avoiding?" Wellness Tool

Before you begin, create your list of fun and soothing activities and tasks you avoid. Put it in a place you’ll see daily. When you notice feelings of anxiety and/or depression, try the following steps:

1. Ask yourself "What am I avoiding?"
2. Scan your to-do list and your avoid column and identify what you’ve been putting off.
3. Bring forward the most self-compassion you can.
4. Set a timer for five to 10 minutes and start on the tiniest step towards completing the task.
5. If anxiety or depression increases, be gentle, pause, and take a breath.
6. Return to the task when you feel a tiny easing of the stress.