How to Make Friends (and Keep Them) by Practicing Empathy

After a year and a half of an isolating and grief-filled pandemic, many people may need friends—and could also benefit from dusting off some critical relational skills. To do that, let’s look to the great Dale Carnegie who, in 1935, wrote the legacy bestseller, How to Win Friends & Influence People.

The book is filled with golden nuggets about how to connect with others. Since this was before the internet, one can argue that many of these essential skills have been forgotten — or not as honed as the days we gathered in person, looked into each other’s eyes, and valued the art of earning (and maintaining) someone’s trust.

The importance of empathy in communication

Carnegie emphasizes that people must be “sincere," “genuine," engage in “honest appreciation," “show respect,” and “try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.” He is essentially teaching empathy to people but appeals to their egos with a punchy title that sells power. Would it have been as successful if it were titled, “How to Listen & Care About People?"

Perhaps Carnegie’s title was so successful because it addresses a human fundamental need—to be understood. If a person can “win” a friend, then that friend might understand them. The chances increase exponentially if the friend can be influenced to understand. But, sly Carnegie demonstrates that it is first in understanding the other person that you get the opportunity to be understood. Simply put, people listen better when they feel heard. Moreover, people connect better when they feel "felt."

Carnegie understood the need for people to be felt. That’s why he used words like “sincere," “genuine,” and “honest." It’s a deeper form of communication. UCLA Medical Doctor Daniel Siegel refers to it as collaborative communication in his book, The Developing Mind. It involves people experiencing momentary states of alignment. This critical form of preverbal communication is formed in infancy when the infant and caregiver are attuned to each other’s feelings and needs. Siegel points out that adult verbal communication can “feel quite empty if it is devoid of the more primary aspects of each person’s internal states.”

Practicing empathy with others

Communication gets difficult, doesn’t it? You must listen and feel the other person? How? As both Carnegie and Siegel suggest, it first comes by suspending yourself for a moment. Listen to the other person, but also try to intuitively feel what they are feeling. Part of your brain will be working to understand their perspective based on their age, gender, culture, current stress level, emotional state, and environment, and your heart and gut should be simultaneously scanning and feeling what the other person is experiencing.

Remember these are only momentary states of alignment. The other person should take part in doing the same for you. You will also need to take a sufficient amount of space to allow for self-care and regeneration. But, finding those states of alignment should allow for deeper connection and the greatest feeling ever—being truly understood.

To take it one step further, try echoing back what you heard the person say and how they feel. Then pause for a moment. Notice how their eyes brighten. Try it with your loved ones and see how conflict melts away and appreciation blossoms. Try it with your neighbors and discover a new level of connectedness with them. Try it with the new people you meet as you safely gather in public places again and see how many new authentic friendships you can gain.