Cracking the Heart’s Hidden Love Code

Love…

Poets describe it as a kind of 3rd entity like it captured someone…or someone caught it.

As giddy as love feels, what if I told you that you were responsible for the swooning feelings of love that seemed to have appropriated your senses? Like a great chef creating a wonderful stew, you have put all the ingredients into the pot. Time and temperature have their influences too—yet nothing would be there to cook without your initial configuration.

Source: Pixabay image

Here’s how it works. We automatically categorize all of the experiences with another person and are constantly assessing whether the experiences tally up against our subconscious love list. The heart’s hidden lock opens to the feelings of love when the right amount of experiences take place with another person and the love list gets checked off.

The high from that initial rush of love is so intoxicating that it’s no wonder we persist in playing the dating game in order to crack the heart’s code. Our reactions to the properly sequenced code are a foregone conclusion. It’s a pact we made in adolescence, listening to our families, friends, watching endless romantic movies, and listening to similar narratives applied to an array of musical beats. We were conditioned and we are conditioned to playing the love game. No wonder it feels like a third-person. It is. We disconnect from our conscious mind and go into reactive conditioning mode. We follow and our head doesn’t understand. But, our body and soul have been so trained. They leave our shocked, misunderstood logical brain behind in the dust. It’s almost primal. We lose control because we never had it. It’s simply our pre-wired reactions taking over, almost like in hypnosis.

Oftentimes, women* tend to react stronger to love because they have engaged in more of the narratives than men, which is one reason romance movies get dubbed a “chick flick.” Men’s* narratives are more diluted with other “manly/non-emotional” narratives, so they tend not to get as lost in the primal reactions (this is especially true of older generations, however, *broader acceptance of gender-neutral concepts of love reveal younger generations across the gender continuum are more engaged in intimate narratives of love). Those primed with more non-emotional narratives will often become just as swept up in the love-rush stage through the conditioning of sex. This might explain why some people, generally, prefer romance while the other prefers sex.

Regardless of the dominant narrative's influence, love’s checklist is pretty consistent. Think about your own dating experience and notice how the people you dated (and possibly later committed to) who left you feeling most in love included the following:

> Trust gets established by sharing personal information, maybe where some pain has been involved

> Trust is reciprocated by complete acceptance of shared story, along with nonjudgment & support

> A cat and mouse game is played to find the perfect compatible dance (one party will shirk if the other comes on too strong and vice versa…proper balance is determined through light jesting, debating, teasing, etc.)

> Showing acceptable vulnerability and caretaking responses

> Painting an image of future goals to see if there’s a shared match/compatibility between both pictures

> Physical and intellectual compatibility

The heart unlocks (or primal conditioning kicks in) when these items are checked off. Note - Both parties must feel and meet conditions or else it is infatuation at best.

Like a simmering stew, these conditions also require consistency. Anything that deviates from the picture (an inconsistency, warning signs, etc.) can get immediately dismissed to maintain the illusion of love - or it results in the shutting off of love feelings altogether. For instance, cognitive dissonance (denial) may prevent the mind from engaging to keep the intoxicating feelings of love in place. Conversely, the heart will close and love will evaporate if inconsistencies are examined or when items on the checklist begin to get unchecked (e.g. picture of future isn’t compatible anymore, support has been removed, judgment/criticism takes hold). Logic supersedes primal conditioning and the people move on. This can happen within as little as 10 minutes to as long as 10 or more years. The key is that love can only thrive when the condition of love’s checklist are met.

Your task is to consider these conditions if you are in love, falling in love or looking for love. They comprise the secret formula to a successful relationship and the gift of giddiness that whole-love brings. Being aware of your hidden checklist also allows you to appreciate love from the logical, emotional and primal brain. Being aware of all of these perspectives may also help you overcome any denial that is keeping you in a false love, infatuated and/or dangerous love situation. Remember you are not a victim or a hostage of love—you are the Chef and master of your heart’s love.