Verified by 
You may have heard of the five stages of grief posited by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
As a psychotherapist specializing in supporting parents estranged by their adult children, I appreciate Kubler-Ross’s model. I certainly recognize grief in many of my clients.
But in talking with hundreds of rejected parents over the years, I’ve also noted a different set of stages that seem to be specific to estrangement from one’s own adult child(ren).
This is the first post in a series in which I’ll present my theory, based on observation, of the five stages of estrangement: shock, despair, acceptance, transformation, and maintenance.
Not every rejected parent starts out in shock, and not everyone ends up—or remains—at maintenance.
As with Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief, it’s not uncommon for people to bounce among the stages, skipping some while visiting others repeatedly.
Each stage has its own defining characteristics, and each requires that parents undertake a particular task for healing and growth.
Again, these stages aren’t inevitable, nor will most progress through them in a predictable way. Some stages may be skipped, while others will continue to present themselves over and over again.
Shock and Awe(fulness)
“How can this be happening? We’ve always been so close!”
Shock is often the first reaction when parents realize an adult child has intentionally cut ties.
This is not surprising. Although research indicates that while approximately two-thirds of estranging adult children say they’ve told their parents the reason for the estrangement (sometimes multiple times), over 60% of rejected parents say they have no idea why their child has cut them off.
I’ve sat with many hurting parents who are genuinely mystified by their child’s sudden desire for distance. They say things like, “I never thought this would happen in our family.” They’re stunned and disoriented.
At this stage, the question of responsibility begins to emerge, but answers are hard to pin down.
Parents vacillate between questioning their child’s integrity and blaming their own inadequacy for the rift. The concerns at this stage are, “Why is this happening?” and, “How do I fix it?”
Don’t Panic
The main task of the Shock stage of estrangement is to overcome panic.
Loss of contact with one’s child can trigger a kind of separation anxiety, compelling rejected parents to say or do things they later regret.
They may engage in one or more of the following typical, ineffective behaviors:
- Chastising the child for being unreasonable, cruel, or selfish
- Begging the child to answer their calls or texts
- Recruiting other people to try to influence the child
They don’t yet understand that intentional estrangement requires a calm and intentional response.
If you’re in shock over a sudden rejection by your child, try not to panic. Yes, it feels as though if you don’t fix this immediately, your child will move further and further away from you, and you could lose them forever.
But that’s just a feeling. It’s not a fact.
Give Them Space
If your child is keeping his or her distance right now, you have time to breathe, to regroup, to consider your options.
If you had a good relationship before, there’s a foundation for another one on the other side of this rough passage.
If your relationship has been troubled, you’ll want to learn how to repair whatever damage may have been done, and avoid unnecessary damage in the future. The learning itself will take time.
There’s no evidence that giving your child the space s/he’s requesting will make the estrangement longer or worse. But there is substantial evidence on the other side: Repeatedly contacting an adult child who doesn’t want contact is the shortest route to a bad outcome.
Instead of acting from a place of desperation, take the time you need to adjust to the fact that this is happening. There may be much you can do to make repairs, but not necessarily right now.
The next post in this series will examine the second stage of estrangement, where too many parents get mired for longer than necessary: despair.
