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I’m sitting with a client, let’s call her Dana, whose family apparently consists of selfish, heartless barbarians.
Dana does all the shopping, cooking and cleaning for her family, all of whom are adults.
No one helps her with anything, and if they do, it’s either too little, too late or it’s so unhelpful that Dana would rather do it herself.
This situation worsens when the family entertains. Dana spends most holidays slaving away to make sure everyone has what they need, all the while resenting being taken for granted.
Of course she resents this dynamic, but Dana assures me she’s complained to her family about the situation many times, to no effect.
Now, if Dana’s family really did consist of selfish, heartless barbarians, her plight would be a straightforward case of Good vs. Evil.
But relationships are almost never that black and white...
Dana tells me her adult children are cooperative and helpful -- even downright solicitous -- with other people.
They help their friends move. They clean up after themselves when Dana’s not around. They even stay late at other people’s parties to help them tidy up.
Why are they nice and helpful to everyone except Dana?
The curious fact that her family seems capable of pulling their own weight when Dana isn’t involved makes it worse for her. She feels personally disrespected and neglected, for no good reason.
When we talk about this, Dana’s focus is on them. She wonders why they’re not kinder to her and more considerate of her feelings.
The answer lies in the question.
The problem is that Dana’s feelings have never been part of the discussion between her and her family.
Dana would disagree. She thinks she constantly shares her feelings, and her family's behavior says, “We don’t care.”
But when I ask her for details about these interactions, it becomes clear that Dana has never said, “I feel used” or “I feel disrespected when …”
Nor has she shared with them, “It feels awful to me when I'm left alone to clean up.”
Like many people, Dana doesn’t believe her feelings are sufficient to motivate kindness in others.
Instead, she presents “evidence” that’s easy to ignore or debate – and that makes others turn away instead of leaning in.
Dana’s way of expressing her feelings is to say things like, “Other people’s husbands do X, Y or Z,” or, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to help me bring the shopping bags in from the car.”
These are “facts,” not feelings.
Appealing to facts leaves your complaints open to being ignored, even by people who love you.
For friends and family to show they care, you need to express emotions, not facts.
Your feelings don’t have to be right or rational, but they do have to be owned by you. This means that “I feel all alone with the chores” is a better way to express yourself than, “You’re being rude.”
In the first case, no one can debate that you feel alone. In the second case, it’s way too easy to reply, “No, I’m not.”
“I feel alone” is about me. “You’re being rude” is about you.
Anything I say about you is not going to be understood as me expressing my feelings.
To improve the complaint process with friends and family, try the following.
If your complaints are consistently falling on deaf ears, examine your complaint process. What language are you using? How do you feel about asking for what you want? How would you feel about getting it? Use the situation to do some personal reflection.
Take ownership of your feelings about the situation. Share your feelings using a feeling word such as “angry” or “sad” or “insecure,” rather than focusing on others’ behavior.
Include a specific request in every complaint. People don’t necessarily know how to help you if you don’t spell it out. Forget the idea that “they should just know.” Own your needs, emotional and otherwise.
Let friends and family know when they hurt your feelings. People you’re close to deserve this information, so they can decide whether and how to treat you better.
Be a feelings-respecting role model. Ask people close to you about their feelings, and practice validating them. You don’t have to feel the same way in order to validate someone. All you have to do is understand that they might feel differently than you do, and why.
Have a relationship talk with important others. Let them know that although you haven’t always communicated about feelings per se, you’d like to do things differently from now on.
Relationships based on sharing authentic feelings rather than debatable “facts” are potentially stronger than those in which feelings aren’t discussed.
Realize that feeling differently doesn’t have to lead to a civil war. You can respect the natural differences between you while still valuing the connection.
Try these tips at home, not at work. The workplace has different rules and expectations for relationships.
