When Life Feels Out of Control, Focus on Yourself

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Life can surprise us—sometimes in wonderful ways and sometimes in challenging ways we never imagined.

Most of us like to feel in control. We like things to be predictable. We like it when we can plan something and make it happen. We like it when other people do what we want them to do. We like things to go our way. We like believing that we can prevent bad things from happening to us and our loved ones. Feeling in control makes us feel safe.

The problem with trying to control everything is twofold. First, it’s an illusion. We can’t control other people or situations. We fool ourselves into thinking we can control much more than we really can. And second, controlling everything is a big responsibility. When we try to control people and situations, we’re essentially asserting that we know what’s right — that we know the right thing to do and the right things to believe.

Sooner or later, we all discover that much of life is actually out of our control. We each have a small sphere of control consisting mainly of our thoughts and actions. In other words, there’s a lot that’s out of our control. Most of us know this is true, but it also scares us. Accepting that so much is out of our control is hard.

Life doesn’t always go as planned

We’ve all had times when our lives felt completely out of our control. Bad things just kept happening and there was nothing we could do to stop them. Powerlessness is a hard feeling to navigate. I had this feeling recently. I felt like life was swirling all around me and I didn’t know how to solve my problems. I found myself obsessing about what everyone else was doing wrong and how things would be better if they’d change and do things my way. It felt like a hurricane had swept into my life, tossing around my peace and stability like a flimsy metal roof; sweeping up the calm and predictability that I love. Then I remembered: When life feels like a hurricane, you have to anchor yourself.

Chaos and problems may continue to swirl around you, but you can remain grounded and calm. Like an anchor, you can steady yourself. Bringing your focus back to yourself and what you can control is a helpful way to do this.

Recognize when you need extra care

To effectively weather an emotional storm, it’s helpful to recognize it early on. It’s easy to miss or minimize signs of stress. It’s only when we tune into ourselves that we can accurately measure how we’re coping. Noticing our feelings is helpful, but our bodies are also great measures of our emotional well-being.

Following are some common signs of stress. You may want to create a personalized list to bring awareness to your early warning signs.

• Worrying.
• Crying.
• Trying to control people or situations.
• Insomnia.
• Feeling on edge.
• Rapid heart rate.
• Isolating.
• Headaches.
• Muscle tension.
• Obsessing about the same thing over and over.
• Avoiding problems or people.
• Feeling overwhelmed.
• Lack of energy or motivation.
• Difficulty concentrating.
• Eating too much or too little.
• Low energy or motivation.
• Feeling hopeless.
• Gastrointestinal issues (stomachache, diarrhea, constipation, acid reflux).
• Irritability.
• Anger.

Ways to calm or center yourself when life feels out of control

It’s also important to have some go-to strategies to use when you feel stressed, overwhelmed, or anxious. Following are a few ideas to get you started.

• Spend time alone to reflect and rest.
• Meditate.
• Spend time in nature. (Try to be fully present and notice the sights, sounds, smells, and tactile experiences.)
• Garden.
• Go for a long walk.
• Practice yoga.
• Talk to a therapist.
• Confide in good friends.
• Write in a journal or make a list to help organize the chaos, set priorities, and gain perspective.
• Listen to music.
• Exercise.
• Distance yourself from negative people.
• Pray.
• Clean your home, office, or car. (Outer order can help create inner calm.)
• Swim or soak in a bath or hot tub.
• Enjoy the soothing sounds of water (the ocean, a stream, or a fountain).
• Focus on the present.
• Color mandalas or an adult coloring book.
• Clear your calendar and excuse yourself from non-essential activities or commitments (tip: more of it’s non-essential than you think).
• Get enough sleep.
• Enjoy a cup of tea.

It’s OK to not be OK

There’s a lot of pressure these days to look like you’ve got it all together. Sometimes it’s hard to let down that fake smile and “I’m fine” mantra and admit that you’re not fine. I want to reassure you that it’s OK to be a hot mess sometimes. We all are. You just don’t want to pull up a chair and get comfortable. When you notice that you’re struggling and feeling out of control, focus on yourself. Prioritize self-care and self-compassion. Do things that restore your sense of calm.

© Sharon Martin. Also published on the author's website.