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Feelings of anxiety are powered by stress hormones. To reduce anxiety, therapists recommend avoiding thoughts that release stress hormones. To avoid thoughts about the pandemic, we can binge-watch videos. We can bake bread. We can make contact online. But thoughts that release stress hormones can't be avoided indefinitely.
We need a better solution. And we have one. Though thoughts can rev us up, a certain kind of memory can calm us down.
First, the basics. When a thought of danger releases stress hormones, the sympathetic nervous system puts us into the fight-or-flight mode. It increases our heart rate and breathing rate. It causes perspiration to pre-cool the body in case we need to run or fight. It reroutes the digestive system's blood supply to the muscles, to be better able to run or fight. It causes tension and a feeling of alarm.
The parasympathetic nervous system does the opposite. The prefix "para" means against. When activated, the parasympathetic nervous system goes to work against the sympathetic nervous system. It stimulates the vagus nerve, causing it to slow the heart rate and breathing rate. It stops the perspiration. It restores the digestive system's blood supply. It relieves tension and the feeling of alarm.
In our present situation, the sympathetic activation of fight-or-flight mode isn't helpful. We can't physically attack the virus. We can't outrun it. Chronic activation weakens the immune system. For our well-being, we need to go "para."
How do we activate the parasympathetic nervous system? Neurological researcher Stephen Porges discovered that a person who is no threat to us physically or emotionally transmits signals that calm us. The signals are transmitted unconsciously via their facial expression, voice quality, and body-language or touch.
When we pick up these signals, the parasympathetic system puts us into the opposite of the fight-or-flight mode. The parasympathetic system stimulates the vagus nerve to cause what Porges calls "vagal braking." Vagal braking slows the heart rate, slows the breathing rate, and relaxes the gut.
I'll paste below an excerpt from my book, Panic Free, that explains an easy and practical way to use a memory of a friend's face, voice, and touch to calm you.
The Three-Button Exercise
This is the exercise to use if you notice you are stressed about something. Remember a person with whom you felt your guard let down. The signals that cause your guard to let down are transmitted by the person's face, their voice, and their touch. I want you to imagine buttons you can press to calm yourself.
Imagine your friend has pasted a sticker on their forehead, bearing a picture of a button with the number 1 on it. Another sticker, showing button number 2, is pasted on their chin. A third sticker, with button number 3, is pasted on the back of their hand.
Now imagine feeling alarmed.
Imagine putting your finger on the button 1 sticker on their forehead and then releasing it. Their face comes clearly to mind. You see the softness in their eyes. It feels good.
Imagine putting your finger on the button 2 sticker. As you release it, the person's lips begin to move, and you hear them greet you in a special way. You may notice that the quality of their voice calms you deep inside.
Imagine touching the button 3 sticker on the back of their hand. When you release the button, the person lifts their hand and gives you a reassuring touch or a hug—whatever gesture is appropriate in your relationship with this person. You may notice calming stillness rest on you.
You can activate vagal braking by pressing the buttons any time you wish. But we want to set up calming that works automatically. To establish automatic attenuation, intentionally remember feeling alarmed, and then press button 1. Remember the feeling again; press button 2. Bring the feeling to mind again; press button 3.
