Is Your Sensitivity to Rejection Creating Your Conflicts?

Conflicts are an inevitable and natural part of relationships. However, how we think about and respond to conflict do not always solely echo the circumstances surrounding the conflict itself, but also our personal dispositions toward conflict. Rejection sensitivity is one of these dispositions.

People who are rejection sensitive often have a consistent “on guard” status, actively fearing and anticipating that partners may leave them at any time, regardless of partners’ actual beliefs. Because of their fears and expectations, individuals with rejection sensitivity may misinterpret and distort the actions of close partners, and in turn report being less satisfied in their relationships. For example, consider how someone may respond to a text. If a rejection-sensitive individual sends a text to a partner stating “I would really like to hang out tonight,” a response by the partner such as “I am really tired” or “Sorry, I already have plans” may be viewed as an overt rejection in the eyes of a rejection-sensitive individual. Yet in reality, the partner may be speaking the truth about needing to rest or meet other plans. The rejection-sensitive person is less likely to easily identify these alternative explanations.

Rejection Sensitivity, Self-Perpetuating Cycles, and Conflict

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An important implication of the skepticism intertwined with rejection sensitivity is that the same people who are concerned about losing their relationships often engage in self- and relationship-defeating behavior. Research has found that those who are rejection-sensitive are more jealous, and in the case of men, more controlling of their partners. In turn, partners of rejection-sensitive individuals often react with confusion, concern, or see the rejection-sensitive person as “high-maintenance.”

Rejection-sensitivity has also been linked to more negative thinking about relationships and more conflict. Given the “on guard” status of those who are rejection-sensitive, they are more likely to escalate disagreements and to show hostility and behave negatively to partners. Thus, the rejection-sensitive person often does not view conflict as an opportunity for growth, but rather sees conflict as another threat leading to rejection.

Managing Rejection Sensitivity

Rejection sensitivity leads people to behave in ways that undermine their chances of maintaining a supportive and satisfying relationship. A pattern of unjustified and exaggerated responses has the potential to distress even satisfying relationships. Therefore, the following tips to manage rejection-sensitivity can reframe our understanding of a partner’s behavior:

1. Be aware that rejection sensitivity often spirals into anger. When we feel that a partner does not support us, or wants to move away from our relationship, we may get angry. But it is anger that may drive a partner away. Be mindful of how our interpretations impact the reactions of partners.

2. Consider alternative explanations for a partner’s actions. Think about other reasons why a partner may respond to you. For example, “What are the other reasons he or she may not be available to spend time together tonight?” The reasons may have nothing to do with you.

3. Set up a time and place when you are more calm to discuss your intentions and the circumstances of your relationship.

4. Think about how a conflict can help build your relationship and foster growth.

You are the owner of yourself and your relationships and you deserve to live and grow each day.