Relationship Resentment

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Early in their relationship, Jake asked his girlfriend Ashley an exceedingly ill-advised question: How did he compare anatomically to her two previous lovers?

Ashley made the mistake of answering too quickly and candidly and her reply hurt him deeply. Even though she quickly added that Jake had given her much more pleasure than her previous lovers, the damage was done. His hurt simmered, even as they laughed off their mutual stupidity. He found himself ruminating about their exchange for months. Sometimes his resentment would come out in jokes, in irritation over small issues, and occasionally by sexual distancing. With time and the accumulation of his perception of her ongoing disrespect, their emotional distance grew as well.

Not all couples can pinpoint a specific trigger for a spiral of relationship resentment, but studies have shown that resentment is often a response to a wrong—or something perceived as punitive or humiliating. It also can grow in relationships in which teasing or humor is barbed, where one has a habit of diminishing the competence of the other, or when there is little perceived appreciation of a partner. Resentment can also spring from a sense of being betrayed in some way or taken for granted—or one partner shouldering an unequal share of household or financial responsibility.

The heart of resentment is lack of communication. It springs from hurt or anger or a sense of injustice that is not directly and clearly expressed.

Resentment can reveal itself in angry words, snippy comments, loss of sexual desire for the other, rumination about a real or perceived injustice, harboring unexpressed angry thoughts about the partner, or even giving up on the relationship. It is a corrosive process that can erode love and cause both partners to lose hope in their relationship and each other.

If resentment is undermining your love and perhaps your future together, what can you do?

• Reflect on and identify the triggers of your resentment. This doesn't mean continued rumination but reflection on what is causing you to resent your partner. How and why do you feel diminished and betrayed? Could there be a gap between their intent and your perception? Is it stemming from a misunderstanding? Anger springing from an assumption? From thoughtless rather than mean-spirited behavior? Has the growth of your resentment been fueled by continued hurtful behavior or by your own anger and frustration? Try to get clear on what is making you angry and resentful, with some insights into your own history as well as the present, in identifying triggers for your resentment.
• Talk with your partner. Report how you're feeling, being careful not to blame the other. Perhaps you're feeling unappreciated, being taken for granted, or diminished by teasing or feeling ignored. When you report your feelings to your partner rather than accusing them of thoughtless or hurtful misdeeds or comments, they are more likely to hear this with empathy. Leave room for the possibility that there has been a misunderstanding or that the other person didn't realize an area of sensitivity on your part. Listen to each other. Forgive each other—and yourselves.
• Get therapy if good communication continues to be elusive. If you find it impossible to talk without fighting, consider getting couples counseling to learn better communication skills. Tackling difficult issues with a licensed therapist present can keep your discussion on track and mutually respectful and can teach you how to communicate clearly and with loving empathy, even in pain.
• Reframe your situation. Instead of getting stuck in a loop of shame and blame, view talking with each other, even when it's hard, as a positive step toward a better future together. Most couples have had times of distance and pain; the challenge is to see those times as opportunities to grow together.
• Live and love with gratitude. Gratitude can help to dispel resentment. Perceiving all that you share with a sense of gratitude can help you keep a good perspective without letting the stresses and realities of daily living obscure your blessings. "Looking back, we're actually thankful for the hard times," one client told me recently. "We've overcome a lot together and we're happy that we managed that. How much joy we would have missed if we had parted over differences that turned out to be not at all irreconcilable."

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.