The Pick-Me Problem

Feminists seek to liberate, equip, and empower women and to end sexism and sexist impressions. This work usually involves pushing back against patriarchal structures and misogynistic attitudes (primarily found in men) that harm women. Occasionally, feminists also address internalized misogyny that exists within women.

In recent years, a particular brand of internalized misogyny has gained the spotlight, particularly online and on social media. It is the concept of the "pick-me girl."

What Is a Pick-Me Girl?

Pick me refers to women who plead for interest, validation, or acceptance from men, often by putting down or demeaning other women (Petkova, 2021). The most common trope associated with pick-me girls is the phrase, “I’m not like other girls,” engendering the idea that they are superior to other women, especially in the eyes of men.

These “not like other girls” antics tend to lean into historically sexist ideas about womanhood and femininity. They do this by reducing other women to stereotypes they believe men despise and positively contrasting themselves to those stereotypes. So, they may compare themselves to stereotypes of progressive feminists (e.g., I’m not like other girls who want to be independent women; I want to be submissive to my man) or to stereotypes of airheaded bimbos (e.g., I’m not like other girls who want to shop and gossip all the time; I want to watch football and drink beer).

In both cases, the aim is to separate themselves from other women, marking themselves as more pleasing and acceptable to men than they are. Perceiving that proximity to men will garner them more power, privilege, or opportunity (or, perhaps, simply romantic interest), they choose to lean into sexist and misogynistic behaviors to gain men’s acceptance (Bearman et al., 2009).

Feminist women are quick to criticize this type of behavior, citing its roots in patriarchy and male supremacy. They point out that demeaning other women for the approval of men is sexist—a grotesque display of sitting in the oppressor’s lap and begging for a few crumbs and a pat on the head—and call for an end to such behavior. On social media, labeling someone a pick-me has become the highest of insults.

Some feminists, however, assert that the pick-me label is equally sexist as the behavior it attempts to address. Although it is intended to call out the legitimate sexist and misogynistic behavior of some women, it has become a tool of harassment and shame. Women who have stereotypically male-gendered interests or who happen to agree with men on certain issues are accused of being pick-me simply for having proximity to men. The term, they argue, is thrown around too loosely.

Many feminists find themselves conflicted—feeling the urgent need to censure other women for engaging in sexist tactics while seeing the obvious hypocrisy in applying sexist labels to other women.

Addressing Pick-Me Behavior About Systems, Not Individuals

How do feminists critique women’s harmful internalized sexism without engaging in the same sexist tactics they are trying to put an end to? How do they address pick-me behavior without humiliating or degrading other women? A compassionate approach likely means first recognizing that demeaning other women isn’t useful to the feminist movement, even if it is done in retaliation or to make an important point.

Perhaps the most feminist thing to do is simply to advocate, loudly and unapologetically, for the abolition of sexist and patriarchal structures that pit women against each other for access to power and privilege. If women achieve true liberation and equality, where opportunity is not a limited resource for us when compared to men, there will be less incentive to compete with one another and put each other down.

Although calling out pick-me behavior might feel good, perhaps even validating, it seems to only further the divide among women. It is not likely there will ever be true sisterhood in feminism (and, arguably, sisterhood shouldn’t even be the goal). What we can strive for is unity, harmony, and a shared purpose. That shared purpose is to put an end to structures that uphold and enable sexism and sexist oppression. That work starts at the root cause, not with individual women within that oppressive system. When we, together, pull every lever of power at our disposal to achieve equality for all women at every intersection, we will no longer need to compete. Instead, we can uplift, inspire, empower, and protect one another.