How and When to Offer Help

It is not unusual to be with friends, family, co-workers, or even strangers and need to decide whether to offer or give help. Should you pick up a person’s dropped item, call a neighbor whose garage door is open, or let a co-worker know they have misspelled words in their document?

Of course, if we believe a person is in imminent danger—for example, a person has caught their sleeve on fire in the kitchen—we should likely quickly reach out and help. Most often, however, we have time to consider what to say and/or do, whether it might be offering someone a ride home or paying for dinner.

I interviewed persons with physical disabilities who reflected on their communication. Many found the issue of help especially challenging. A few interviewees described not receiving assistance they needed. However, it was far more common to receive too much help. For instance, some people offered unwanted help or simply jumped in and provided help without asking. I heard examples when receiving help was harmful to emotional or physical well-being.

Consider this story I heard from Jim, a college student and wheelchair user. He was heading toward the library entrance on a below-zero Minnesota afternoon. As Jim headed toward the door, another student asked if he needed help and Jim said, “No thanks, I’ve got it.” Seconds later, Jim felt the student push his wheelchair. Jim was surprised and angry. He said in a very sharp tone, “Hey, I didn’t ask for your freaking help.” The potential helper looked hurt and walked on ahead toward the door.

Jim’s experience may remind you of a situation you’ve faced when deciding whether and how to provide help. Realize what can seem like a simple interaction at first glance can be quite complex. As one person with a visible disability described to me, “They make us miserable in the name of helping us.” Edward Schein discussed the importance of understanding both “helpful help and unhelpful help.” He stressed that it is important to “actually help when help is asked for or needed, and to be able to receive help when help is needed and offered. Neither is as easy as we often wish” (2011).

Costs and Rewards of Helping

What my colleague and I took away from our research project is the importance of paying close attention to both the rewards and costs of helping, both for the person receiving help and for the person giving help. For the receiver, there is the positive aspect of getting assistance when it is both wanted and needed. However, that must be weighed against the loss of independence and what happens when help is provided in ways that are not useful. For instance, having someone pick up the check at lunch when one has lost their job may be both appreciated and difficult at the same time. Receiving unwanted help may bring on the cost of anger or embarrassment, as we saw in Jim’s case when his expressed wishes were not respected.

Help can even be dangerous, and several people with disabling conditions described being improperly pulled up after a fall:

“If you come over to me and say, ‘Oh, let me help you up’ and you start yanking on me, well, for one thing, I guess I would be somewhat resentful. And the second thing is that I wouldn't be able to get up because everybody on crutches has their own way of working themselves up off the floor. A lot of times you can't do that safely if somebody's got your arm in a half-nelson.”

Let’s return to the example of Jim who angrily told off the student who pushed his wheelchair after being told “no.” What happened next captures some of the complexities with many different types of helping situations. Jim quickly ran into a large patch of ice outside the library door. He was stuck and now needed help. The only person around was the man Jim just told off. Jim now had to swallow his pride and ask that same man for assistance.

Navigating whether and how to offer or provide help is as diverse as the many circumstances out there.

Advice for Helpers: What to Say and Do

• Respect people’s right to control their own lives. When possible, wait for the person to ask for your assistance rather than assuming you know what they need. Scholars point out that it is unwise to communicate and overaccommodate what we think others need (Soliz & Colaner, 2017).

• Offer help in ways that are general rather than specific. For instance, you might ask, “Do you need anything?” or “Everything OK?” rather than “Let me carry your package for you” or grabbing an item the person dropped. You might even make eye contact and give the person a smile or willing look. This nonverbal communication strategy is riskier as it may be harder for both parties to read the intentions of the other, but sometimes it does work.

Social Life Essential Reads

Beyond Zoom: How Meeting in Person Creates Connection

The Painful Fallout of Social Estrangement

• Listen carefully to the person you believe might need help and honor their wishes. Don’t assume you know what is right for another person. If they ask for or accept your offer of assistance, follow their directions exactly. Authors call this “humble inquiry,” which is “the gentle art of asking questions to which we don’t already know the answer” (Schein & Schein (2021). The authors explain that humble inquiry results in better listening and problem-solving rather than assuming we know the best answer for others. In other words, put the person you believe may benefit from your assistance in the driver’s seat concerning their own wants and needs. Don’t hesitate to perception-check what you heard and ask for their guidance.

What should you expect after you provide help? The person may express gratitude, or they may react in negative ways you don’t expect. Remember this might be their tenth offer of assistance in the last hour. In addition, everyone has a bad day now and again. If you realize you got it wrong, an apology may be in order—for instance, “I am sorry if I overstepped.” If this is someone you know well, you might ask their advice concerning what you should have done differently.

In the end, you may follow our suggestions and still end up with an unexpected response. If nothing else, you can know you have likely done your best.