How Partners Can Live in the Same, but Different, Relationship

Each of us has faced issues of being both independent and connected to people in our lives. For example, when we are experiencing stress, we realize that if we are not careful, our stress will affect the other people in our lives.

When we want to make a bigger purchase, we must decide if we need to confer with a partner before doing so. We all face decisions on whether to tell our close friends that we won an award or are starting the process of adopting a child.

In our close relationships with partners, family members, or friends, we will need to figure out the best ways to be intertwined and, at the same time, have separate identities. When we think about it, this is one of the great mysteries of life in relationships, as we are constantly working out our independence and separateness at the same time, and the people in our lives are doing the same thing.

Braided Together in Close Relationships

To have a close relationship is to be intertwined with another person or group. Interpersonal communication scholar William Wilmot pictured this intertwining as a braided rope. This image highlights how completely we are interconnected, such that a change in one person alters the relationship, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot.

For example, my spouse and I retired this year. We have each gone through changes in our own lives and relationships. If nothing else, learning to navigate being home together has been wonderful and has also required various adjustments. Not surprisingly, we have both shared perspectives and unique perspectives with this big event in our lives.

Thus, I think about what is happening as “our retirement” as I reflect on shifts in our daily activities and our identity as a couple. And I think about “my retirement” as I reflect on shifts in what I do on any given day and changes to my sense of who I am.

Understanding our close relationships as a braided rope helps us to understand that while we are knitted together in close relationships, we are also individuals. This is where the mystery comes in. How do we live jointly in relationships as we also experience close relationships as individuals? I have thought a lot about this question over the years. Likely you’ve thought about this as well.

Living Together and Apart in Close Relationships

A communication study has helped me better understand the challenges of living together and apart in close relationships. I hope you’ll find it helpful too. Researchers Leslie Baxter and Connie Bullis had members of dating couples talk about the major turning points over the length of their relationship.

Turning points are those events that represent an important change in a relationship, moving people closer together or further apart. For example, a turning point might be something big we’d anticipate would change the relationship, such as moving to a new city or having a baby. Sometimes turning points involve a positive event, for instance, receiving a special gift. But turning points may involve a stressful event, such as unemployment or a family member's serious illness. You would think that if something is truly a relationship turning point, it would be a turning point for both or all related parties, right? That only makes sense.

However, the researchers asked, “How often did both partners list the same event as a turning point”?

I thought it would be 100 percent or close to that. The researchers found that partners only agreed on an event is a turning point 55 percent of the time. I was truly surprised to learn this. I have also talked with my students and different people in my life about this finding.

The more I thought about the 55 percent agreement on turning points, the more I could see that some of the events that were turning points for me were likely not turning points for others in my life. I imagine you can reflect on this same question and come up with examples when you and others in your life agreed on turning points and times when your perspectives were not the same.

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For example, after my spouse and I had been dating just a few weeks, we purchased a vacuum cleaner. Buying this vacuum together was a practical solution at the time as neither of us owned one. This was an expensive purchase for two graduate students with limited incomes. I quickly realized we would have to figure out who would keep the machine at their apartment and decide how we’d handle the payments as I had put the purchase on my credit card. For me, at least, it was especially challenging to talk about issues surrounding the vacuum and make joint decisions so early in our relationship. Thinking back, this joint purchase was a turning point, representing a commitment to this new relationship.

Years later, when my spouse and I were talking about replacing the vacuum, I talked about what an important turning point buying this machine was for me at the time. My spouse looked at me quizzically as he had little memory of buying the vacuum together. Clearly, this was just another appliance to him, and he did not think about buying it as a relationship turning point.

This and other examples you might think about help highlight the research finding of an average of 55 percent partner agreement on turning points. Importantly, the researchers also found that partners were not more satisfied with their relationship when they had higher levels of agreement about turning points.

Navigating Independence and Separateness

What do these findings teach us about close relationships? They highlight that while we coexist in overlapping relationship worlds with partners, family, and friends, at the same time we have our individual experiences in the same relationship. Remember, the braid that represents the relationship is always there.

However, it is important to recognize that being braided together does not make us the same person. It does not mean we always share perspectives on what is happening at any given time or understand the relationship similarly. We are always experiencing relationships together and apart simultaneously, which is okay.

Given that we live in both overlapping and individual relationship worlds, what is the secret to communicating and living with this reality?

Five points to keep in mind:

• Expect both shared and unique perspectives on the same relationship.
• Realize that differences in how we experience the relationship are not necessarily negative.
• Consider when and how to talk about relational similarities and differences.
• Understand that discussing relationship similarities and differences may not be helpful at any given time.
• Remember that relationships are continually growing and changing. Thus, today’s understanding may need to be updated in the future.

Understanding what it means to live within relational similarities and differences is important. This is part of the great mystery of life.

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