Invalidated Child, Invisible Adult

Source: Photographee / Adobe Stock Images

Some people say that our childhoods are in the past and that as adults we must put them behind us and focus on the now.

But they are wrong.

Today, we know that our child selves live within us and that the power of that child is remarkable. Our parents’ view of us as children is the way we view ourselves as adults. How our parents treated us as children in large part determines how we treat ourselves as adults.

This child/adult connection has been proven over and over again by research. I see it every day in my psychotherapy office, and never more clearly than in the case of childhood emotional neglect.

In childhood emotional neglect, the child is given a subliminal message, often inadvertently, that his/her emotions are irrelevant. This leaves a profound mark on the child in adulthood. To see how this works, let’s look in on Zach as a child, and then meet up with him again 23 years later.

Child Zach

Seven-year-old Zach is a sweet, sensitive boy. His brother Collin, who is 6, is a loud and boisterous type. He loves to poke and pinch Zach to make him cry. Today, it has happened again. He sneaks up on Zach, who is quietly playing, and pokes him in the ribs, hard. Zach howls. Zach and Collin’s mom is in the kitchen cooking, and their dad is at work. Today she handles it the same way she always does. She calls from the kitchen, “Zach, you leave your brother alone!” Zach runs into the kitchen to make his case, but his mother is not interested. “I’m busy Zach,” she says. “You need to work this out with your brother.”

In this scenario, Zach’s mother has done nothing abusive or mean. She has done nothing that is obviously bad or memorable. This situation probably seems like a typical, everyday event in any household in the world. Indeed, these types of incidents happen in many homes, and typically they do no real harm.

But if this is how Zach’s parents handle things enough, and if Zach receives this subtle but powerful message enough, he will grow up with the effects of childhood emotional neglect. Let’s take a look at what is actually happening in this seemingly everyday incident. Zach is being invalidated over and over in multiple ways and on multiple levels.

1. Zach’s smaller brother picking on him makes him feel helpless and angry. By not taking the time to notice what he is feeling, Zach’s mother gives him the message that his feelings—the most deeply personal part of who he is—are not valid or relevant.

Subtle Message: You are not valid or relevant to me.

2. Zach’s mother assumes that Zach is the aggressor, not Collin, which shows that she does not see his true nature: that he is generally kind and sensitive, not an aggressive type.

Subtle Message: I do not see who you truly are.

3. When Zach’s mom says, “I’m busy. Handle it yourself,” she is giving him a subtle, powerful, though unintended message.

Subtle Message: You are alone. Your problems and feelings don’t matter.

4. Zach is left feeling lost in a sea of undefined emotion, misunderstood, overlooked, alone, invalid, and invisible.

Now let’s look at how all of this will play out in Zach’s adult life if he is raised with enough of this type of parenting.

Adult Zach

At age 30, Zach is a likable fellow. His kind nature is seen by all who meet him. But Zach cannot see this himself because he does not know his true self. He is sometimes baffled by others’ reactions to him. “Why do people like me?” he wonders. Although he is an outwardly successful man, Zach is not certain, deep down, that he is worth seeing or that he is worth knowing.

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Zach is a stand-up guy who takes care of his wife and children, and they love him very much. Although he knows that they love him, he does not feel their love. No matter how much love Zach receives, inside he feels disconnected and alone. When Zach walks into a meeting at work or when he walks down the hall of his daughter’s school, he feels, deep down, that he walks alone.

Zach pushes his feelings down and away so that they will not trouble others or himself. He prides himself on his individuality, yet he seldom feels that he belongs anywhere. He feels disconnected but he does not know why. He does not know that he grew up with childhood emotional neglect and that he is living his life in its invisible grip.

If only Zach knew what he felt and why, he could get himself on the path to healing. He could learn that his feelings matter. He could realize that he matters. He could learn to see himself as others see him. He could realize that he is worth knowing and loving.

The world is full of people like Zach: stand-up folks who are loving and kind, but who cannot see themselves truly and clearly; people who live life in vivid color but who can only experience it in black and white; people who feel overlooked and unseen; people who matter but who feel that they do not.

Now Let’s Talk About You

If you identify with the description of how Zach feels today, even if your childhood circumstances were not exactly like his, I encourage you to consider the possibility that you grew up with childhood emotional neglect. Knowing what went wrong is the key to fixing it.

First, learn everything you can about how emotional neglect happened to you and what aspects of it are still with you to this day. Then, just as Zach must do, begin to grasp the notion that your feelings, the deepest, most personal expression of who you are, matter. Treating your emotions as important is the same as treating yourself as important. This begins the process of reversing the harmful messages you've been living with all these years.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.

A version of this post was originally shared on emotionalneglect.com.