3 Challenges of Having Had Emotionally Neglectful Parents

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Emotionally neglectful parents, some through no fault of their own, simply don't notice or respond to their children's feelings enough. Such parents might ignore a child's feelings in general, view their emotions as problematic, or treat them as inconvenient.

If you grew up this way, I want you to know that having your feelings ignored throughout childhood leaves its mark. It takes hold of how you feel now, as an adult, what choices you make, and the perceptions you have about who you are.

Unacknowledged, the emotional neglect you experienced in your upbringing stays with you throughout your lifetime. It's the gray cloud that looms over all your relationships, limiting you from making meaningful connections and living a colorful life.

Childhood emotional neglect holds a firm grip over one relationship in particular. This relationship is the precursor of all others and is where your gray cloud originally formed. It’s the relationship you have with your parents.

3 Common Dilemmas of Having Emotionally Neglectful Parents

1. You have too often felt emotionally disappointed by your parents. This makes it difficult for you to fully trust, love, or connect with them. You may have blamed this on yourself as a child, trying to make sense of the disappointment. And so you may continue to blame yourself in adulthood for your negative feelings toward your parents.
2. You would think that since your parents are the ones who have known you the longest, they should be the ones to know you the best. But they have overlooked your emotions, the window into who you are, and so they have also overlooked your talents, needs, abilities, weaknesses, and preferences. Painfully, they may not truly know you in a deep or meaningful way.
3. If you have come to the realization you have been emotionally neglected by your parents, it can be challenging to be around them. In order to lessen the pain, you may convince yourself that you no longer need their love or approval.

Every human is hardwired with an intense need for emotional connection, attention, approval, and understanding from our parents. And when this great need for emotional connection goes unmet, you may need a coping strategy to deal with the deep hurt caused by growing up with your emotional needs thwarted by your parents.

I notice that many people with childhood emotional neglect downplay this need, and sometimes even suggest they are unbound from it altogether. This is a natural and protective coping strategy, especially when your needs have gone unattended throughout your life.

This issue is that no matter how much work you put into pushing it down, it will always find its way to pop back up. Imagine trying to push a beach ball underwater. The harder you try to keep it down, the more forceful the ball comes up.

This is why, instead of denying your basic human need for emotional connection, you can accept that your need is natural and real, and you can purposely manage it rather than allowing it to manage you.

Manage Your Relationship With Your Emotionally Neglectful Parents

• No longer view your emotional needs as weak. Remember how I said your need for emotional connection and approval from your parents is a basic human need? Well, you’re human! You are not the exception and you cannot deny your humanity. This is neither good nor bad, it just is what it is.
• Remember to validate all emotions you have toward your parents. You can’t pick and choose your feelings. They are your body’s choice, not your brain’s. Thus, you are not allowed to judge yourself for any of the feelings you have. What you can do is acknowledge, accept, and validate your feelings toward your parents as you have them, no matter what they are.
• Prioritize yourself and focus on self-protection. I know it may seem uncomfortable to have to protect yourself from your parents. But if your parents hurt you on purpose, are self-absorbed and rarely tend to your needs, or lack emotional awareness in which you continue to feel emotionally let down, it’s important you begin protecting yourself. In order to do this, you will need boundaries.

How to Create Protective Boundaries

1. Take charge of the time spent with your parents. You are allowed to say “no” to invitations, cut down on visits or phone calls, or meet only in environments you feel comfortable. You can listen to your needs and assert what feels right for you. Begin taking control of the plans to better protect yourself. If you do this and feel guilty, remind yourself that it’s because you’re doing something different, not because you’re doing something wrong.
2. Foster an internal boundary. Consider what you expect from your parents and what you ask of them. Maybe you can lower your expectations, especially for their understanding and emotional support, so you will not be disappointed when they miss the mark. Perhaps you need to share less personal information to reduce your vulnerability and potential hurt.
3. Consider having a conversation with your parents about childhood emotional neglect. I have found that many parents who mean well but lack the knowledge and awareness to respond to you emotionally (I call them Well-Meaning-But-Neglected-Themselves, or WMBNT) will attempt to understand. In other cases, this may be an unhelpful approach for you. For further guidance on whether and how to have a conversation with your parents about emotional neglect, see my book, Running on Empty No More: Transform Your Relationships With Your Partner, Your Parents, and Your Children.

It's natural to want to feel good about how you treat your parents. But you must also keep your own well-being at the forefront of your mind.

Take the time to acknowledge the emotional neglect you grew up with and how it’s impacted you. Accept your basic need for emotional connection, and protect yourself from disappointment and pain.

When you are finally feeling more emotionally protected and accept your natural feelings as they are, you may realize that you are now giving yourself the very things your parents couldn’t. And you may notice that old, familiar, gray cloud beginning to break.

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