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Sport and Competition
How to Really Connect with Someone
5 keys to having a great conversation.
Posted April 6, 2019
One of the greatest gifts anyone can have in life is friendship. And friendships begin with, and are nourished, by conversation. So, the ability to engage in a good conversation is an ability that can bless your entire life with friendship.
But how do we have a good conversation?
Oftentimes we enter a conversation situation with uncertainty about the other person. Or we may have questions about what we should or shouldn’t talk about, and maybe we have some personal discomfort about our own role in the exchange.
So how do we have a good conversation? Where do we start?
Here is a list of five different conversational approaches and strategies that have proven very successful for me, and have helped facilitate many wonderful conversations. They are:
ONE: Hide Your Phone and Don’t Take Any Calls.
The message you want to send to the other person is that you value them and are focused on them. Nothing contradicts that message more quickly than the visible presence of a phone, or even worse, if you actually take a call from someone. If you really want to have a good, in-person conversation with someone, ditch your phone.
TWO: “Tell Me About Yourself”
When you first meet someone, and don’t really know them, one of the most effective things you can say is, “Tell me about yourself.”
This request sends a couple of very powerful messages to the person you’ve just met. One is that you’re interested in them. The other is that you’re listening to them. In a culture where almost nobody feels that they’ve been heard, the fact that you’ve indicated that you’re interested, and actually listening to them, is powerful and amazing.
THREE: Make as Much of the Conversation about Them as Possible.
We all want to talk about our own stuff, but there’s plenty of time for that later. When beginning a conversation with someone new, listen for the cues they give you. Be alert to their passions and interests that you can follow up on. Ask questions! Show that you’re interested in them! Say their name often.
Above all listen.
One of my all-time favorite quotes is from basketball great William Russell. He once said, “I did all my best playing when I didn’t have the ball.”
Conversation is like that. Let the other person have the ball, and then do all your best playing by actively listening to them, responding, and asking questions.
FOUR: Use the SECRET TRICK to Make Boring, Uninteresting Things Interesting.
It may be that the person you’re wanting to have a conversation with is interested in something you find completely boring,
The SECRET TRICK is to transform that boring subject into something you’re both interested in.
For example, the person you’re having a conversation with may be obsessed with sports, and you may hate sports. The SECRET TRICK is to ask him (or her) a question you would be interested in. For example, a great question could be, “What was the greatest sporting event you ever attended, and what made it so great?”
I’ve gotten some great answers to this question! I once asked a person this question, and his answer plunged me into the fascinating history of The Boston Red Sox (which I knew nothing about). I found that story so interesting that I ended up reading a very gripping history of The Boston Red Sox. They have had an amazing saga.
Or maybe the person you’re undertaking a conversation with is someone obsessed with cars, and you find them totally boring. The SECRET TRICK is to ask a question like, “What is your favorite car of all time, and why?”
You’ll get some great answers. And some great reasons for the answers.
FIVE: Have a Stash of Stock Questions to Ask if you Need them.
The list of possibilities here is almost endless. Here are some examples I use:
• What is the best book you ever read, and what made it so great?
• What is your favorite movie of all time?
• When you were growing up, what was your favorite TV show?
• What great person from your profession or hobby, dead or alive, would you like to meet? And what three questions would you like to ask them?
The answers to these questions are almost always fascinating, and usually lead to very interesting conversations.
So, how do we have a good conversation? These five strategies we’ve just mentioned are very effective and have produced a bountiful harvest of wonderful conversations.
I hope they will for you too!
© 2019 David Evans
