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If we wanted to heal our divided country, a good place to start might be the very place where the polarization is most evident: in and around our political parties. So my suggestion is that we model bipartisanship for our recalcitrant politicians by inviting someone of the opposite party to lunch. (Washington politicians, take note!)
Is this kind of a scary idea? Yes, of course it is. But if we do it right, I believe it can bring us some wonderful benefits. Here are some things we need to bear in mind to make sure we do it right:
First of all, we need to do it for the right reason, and be absolutely clear why we’re doing it. What we’re not doing is getting together with them to prove why we’re right, and they’re wrong, and what jerks they are for not seeing things the way we do.
And what we are doing is attempting to cross over a mysterious foreign boundary, expand our understanding, and explore the possibilities of what may turn out to be a wonderful new friendship.
There are some ground rules we need to follow to make sure it works right. A big one concerns who you choose. Invite someone to lunch who truly does represent a different political view from yours. At the same time, try to invite someone where the chemistry seems good. It’s important to have a good vibe.
Then, in your conversation with them, avoid the political (or other) topic that divides you. Find some other topic where you have a shared enthusiasm, like music, poetry, video games, or sports. Anything that you both feel very good about. That way, even though you have differences, you’re connecting in an area where you both share strong positive feelings.
In fact there’s a recent case of two very famous people who did just that, in spite of our tremendous national polarization. They are United States Supreme Court Justices Antonin Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Justice Scalia, of course, was an arch conservative, and Justice Ginsburg is a fiery liberal. They were almost always wildly at odds on all the controversial topics they ruled on. But, in spite of their professional opposition, they handled their differences with great humor and without personal animosity.
They first served together in the federal circuit court in Washington, D.C. Then they worked together again on the Supreme Court, from August 1993, until Scalia’s death 22 years later.
The two great passions they both shared were opera and good food. They loved both!
After Scalia died in 2015, Ginsburg wrote, “We were best buddies.” In spite of the huge political chasm between them, she was full of praise for Scalia’s intellectual acumen. “He was a jurist of captivating brilliance and wit,” she once wrote. “He had that rare ability of being able to make even the most sober judge laugh!”
Democrat Ruth Bader Ginzburg and Republican Antonin Scalia! They had lunch together many times.
So what was the “Secret Sauce” that made Ginsburg and Scalia’s improbable Democrat/Republican friendship work?
There are three things that stand out in the Ginsburg-Scalia relationship that made it work. And they could serve as models for lots of other very different kinds of relationships.
One of them is respect.
Ginsburg had a high regard for the sophisticated reasoning in Scalia’s legal opinions. She didn’t agree with the end results he reached with that reasoning, but she was very impressed by the depth and clarity of his thinking. Ginsburg and Scalia had a tremendous respect for each other’s minds.
Another thing that fueled their friendship was having a shared passion. In their case it was a passion for both opera and good food. A shared passion for something can bring a flood of good feelings into a relationship, and it did theirs. It doesn’t really matter what that passion is, as long as you both share it.
Finally, a huge factor in Ginzburg and Scalia’s friendship was the fact that they both had a great sense of humor. And they weren’t afraid to laugh at themselves! In fact, their shared enjoyment of humor was a defining trait of their friendship.
So, yes, Antonin Scalia and Ruth Bader Ginzburg were poles apart politically, but that didn’t keep them from being great friends. They were bonded together by mutual respect, shared passions, and a great sense of humor.
And that’s a great model that can work for the rest of us, too!
So, Democrats, invite a Republican to lunch. And enjoy a good laugh together!
