How to Actually Use the Coping Skills You Learn

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) teaches dozens of skills designed to help people reduce painful emotions, stop impulsive behaviors, and build meaningful lives. In my work as a DBT therapist, one of the most common struggles my clients faced was actually remembering to use all of the coping skills they'd been learning.

Luckily, DBT offers skills for that problem, too! Making a “distress tolerance kit” is one skill I most often recommend to my struggling clients.

A distress tolerance kit is a place where you keep the things you use for coping. The kit can be a physical space—like a bedroom drawer, a basket in your living room or closet, or a specific pocket in your backpack. Or, it can be a digital space—like a note on your phone, or a Google doc you can access from anywhere.

In this kit, you keep whatever coping reminders, materials, and tools you want to use during times when you’re stressed or having urges to act impulsively in ways that could hurt you.

Everyone’s kit is different because everyone has different needs and preferences. But, there are five things I most commonly recommend to people just starting out in DBT.

1. A Cope Ahead Plan

Cope Ahead is a DBT skill designed to help you prepare ahead of time for getting through difficult times. To practice, you write out a specific plan for how you'll handle an upcoming stressful situation, and then imagine yourself following the plan. (Check out this previous blog to learn more about how you can use Cope Ahead to reduce impulsive behaviors.)

It can be super helpful to include a written-out cope ahead plan in your distress tolerance kit. By having a step-by-step guide to follow, you don’t have to think about it when you’re overwhelmed. Even if you don’t write out a full plan, a list of your favorite coping skills can help in the same way.

2. A Distracting Pleasant Activity

Consider having at least one “pleasant activity” in your kit that you know usually makes you laugh or feel happy—or something that at least you know will usually distract you from negative thoughts. Think about the hobbies or activities in your life that you enjoy most. Perhaps it’s reading a specific genre, listening to your favorite music artist, watching a show you’ve seen dozens of times, or going on a walk. If it physically fits in your kit, put it in! For example, you could put a book in your distress tolerance kit box. If it's not something that can be physically put in your kit, you could write a note to yourself about the pleasant activity (e.g., “watch an episode of Our Flag Means Death”). If your kit is digital, you could write a note about what to do, or link to a Spotify music playlist or YouTube video playlist.

3. A Distracting Physical Sensation

When you’re upset, your body gets stressed. You may feel numb, spacey, or dissociated. Or, your thoughts may race and you may feel totally stuck in worry or rumination. To cope with these struggles, it can be helpful to have something in your kit that offers an intense (but safe!) physical sensation. Try: quick-freeze ice packs, hot sauce, acupressure rings, sour candy…anything that could get you back into your body quickly without hurting yourself. (The DBT TIPP skills are great options for this, too.)

4. A Self-Soothing Aid

When you’re stressed or going through hard times, taking breaks for self-soothing can reduce burnout or just help you feel better. It’s useful to have at least one thing in your kit that feels good to your body. Find activities or materials that are soothing or pleasurable for you in any of your senses—vision, hearing, smell, taste, touch, movement, balance, temperature, pressure, etc. Try essential oils, incense, yummy candy, a stuffed animal, a weighted blanket, fidget spinners, or a self-massager. Make playlists with relaxing spa music, white noise, religious chanting, energizing dance music, or comedy specials. Include anything that can help you feel nurtured physically during distressing times.

5. Encouragement

It can feel particularly terrible when you’re in crisis and you feel alone or feel like the pain is never going to end. The skill of self-encouragement can help. In your kit, try including at least one thing that makes you feel comforted, hopeful, or connected to other people. You could include a note with your favorite mantra (“This too shall pass,” “I’ve made it through worse,” etc.), a book from a spiritual teacher you respect, a photo of a favorite place you plan to return to, or a letter from a loved one. Anything that reminds you that you’re not alone in your suffering or that your suffering is temporary.

Emotion Regulation Essential Reads

An 8 Step Roadmap for Managing Difficult Feelings

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Final Thoughts

Remember: Everyone’s distress tolerance kit is unique. If the above suggestions don’t resonate with you, use something else. You may consider making different kits for different types of emotional situations. And, your kit may change as your coping skills or needs evolve. If your current coping skills don’t feel like enough to help you, DBT offers tons of ideas for coping during tough times. To learn more, check out my site.