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Twenty-five years ago, I was asked to speak on a panel with five other therapists. The topic for the panel discussion was “What do I bring to my practice working with women survivors of child abuse”? I accepted the offer to speak, then I went to the library to research what other professionals in the field had written on the topic. I wanted to get a framework to help me prepare my presentation.
To my dismay, I could not find information on the topic. On the surface, the topic I was asked to speak on seemed simple, but it would have been easier to discuss the clinical issues and strategies related to working with survivors of child abuse. I realized that the answer to the question “What do I bring to my practice?” had to come from within and had to come from the heart. I have to concede, the thought of speaking from my heart at a professional conference to colleagues, left me feeling vulnerable. Still, this revelation shifted my approach on how to prepare for the panel discussion: I needed to get “out of my head” and into my heart, I had to go to my body, I needed to breathe and be silent, and to allow the answer to surface.
The answer that emerged from the experience was that to effectively work with women survivors of abuse, it was not only necessary to have the clinical skills and knowledge, but it is essential to have the personal qualities that enable one to build a therapeutic relationship with women who are seeking guidance and relief from enduring pain. For survivors of child abuse, it was the betrayal of the relationship by their perpetrator that caused them hurt and confusion, and therefore, the therapeutic relationship becomes an important path that begins to heal the hurts of betrayal that occurred with the abuse.
The therapeutic relationship necessitates certain qualities in order to be effective, including kindness, acceptance, warmth, non-judgement, and empathy. With these qualities, the relationship with the therapist becomes a corrective experience for the client and in time, trust replaces fear, gentleness replaces anger, clarity replaces bewilderment, connection replaces aloneness, and caring replaces feelings of vulnerability.
I am glad that I was offered the opportunity to speak on the topic. As a helping professional, it gave me the opportunity to reflect on and gain insight into the “use of self” in creating and sustaining authentic relationships, which are an integral part of the therapeutic process. A therapist must have the intellectual capacity to earn a degree and gain credentials to work in the helping professions; however, a competent therapist needs to possess not only intellect but also self-awareness and the ability to create meaningful relationships.
The relationship between the client and therapist is significant to therapeutic outcomes. Gentleness, kindness, understanding, and the willingness to join the path and journey of another are key to a therapist’s ability to create the dynamics that will lead to healing. However, this can be particularly challenging when the path the therapist is about to join is tumultuous and comes with stories that are filled with sadness, hurt, torture, and pain. The mothers I interviewed agreed that in adulthood, an attentive and caring relationship with their therapist was critical in their healing and recovery process, which simultaneously improved their capacities to mother their children in more appropriate and loving ways.
Essential to the resiliency of survivors is having a person in their life who is thoughtful, caring, and attuned to them. For adult survivors, a positive relationship with a therapist offers the conditions necessary to establish and support resiliency. Carl Rogers summarizes the importance of the therapeutic relationship and writes, “When the other person is hurting, confused, troubled, anxious, alienated, and terrified; or when he or she is doubtful of self-worth, uncertain as to identity, then understanding is called for. The gentle and sensitive companionship of an empathic stance… provides illumination and healing. In such situations, deep understanding is, I believe, the most precious gift one can give to another.”
The therapeutic alliance helps women who were victims of child abuse rebuild the trust that was broken by the abuse. The client can tell her story and be heard without being censored, corrected, or judged. The therapeutic alliance is the contradiction of the experience of growing up in a family fraught with dysfunction. By treating the client differently than she was treated as a child, the therapist assists in recreating trust and showing the client that she is valued and has significance.
One of the most important qualities of a therapist is the ability to demonstrate empathy. Empathy is the ability to step into the life of another person and experience what it is like to be them, to live in their world and, for a moment, view life from their perspective. The ability to empathize is not a passive skill but is an active process that takes energy and sustained focus. Empathy demands attention and commitment on the part of the therapist. It takes energy to be fully present and attuned to another person, and it requires a commitment to momentarily suspend your own thoughts, judgments, and evaluations in order to be open to another person's lived experience. It is in these moments between therapist and client where connections and corrective experiences occur.
Achieving real empathy is important because most clients can discern whether or not the therapist understands them, or, as one of my clients says, “gets it,” When a client senses that the therapist understands her perspective, it works to support the therapeutic alliance and increases the client’s willingness to reveal more personal information and to share feelings on a deeper level. An empathetic therapist validates the client’s internal experiences and facilitates the client’s development of a stronger and more flexible sense of self.
References
Excerpt From:
Gil, T. (2018). Women Who Were Sexually Abused as Children: Mothering. Resilience, and Protecting the Next Generation. New York, NY: Rowman & Littlefield.
Rogers, Carl R. A Way of Being. New York: Houghton Mifflin, 1980.
