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As most people know, the grieving process is a confusing, unpredictable roller coaster of psychological experiences. Most bereaved clients I work with eventually begin experiencing a sense of moving on with life, but this too can be unsettling.
Moving on looks like making new plans, encountering less emotional rawness on anniversaries, and returning to previously abandoned interests, to name just a few signs. These steps are essential and healthy experiences in your grieving process. But, they may well be uncomfortable.
Why would you experience this apparent contradiction?
Moving forward requires you to loosen your grip on the past and take on a degree of willingness to accept that life cannot return to a time where a lost loved one was with you. In effect, you are attempting to give up the struggle to change the unchangeable, to turn towards a life that is very different from what you wanted. You have to sit with the reality that your relationship with the deceased is no longer co-created in the real world, but maintained in your mind.
Doing the "right thing" in life doesn't always feel comfortable: Standing up to a bully, breaking a self-defeating habit, adjusting your life to accommodate a painful loss. Why wouldn't you feel pain in noticing your life changing and evolving without your loved one's presence?
Discomfort or resistance to moving forward is completely normal. Your brain is grappling with trying to live life positively while simultaneously feeling pain in doing so. You can still take healthy steps forward while acknowledging the distress that runs alongside. You probably don't want this distress, but can still focus on a meaningful life that's consistent with your core values.
Patience, self-compassion, and some more patience can help you work through this distress.
