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Key points
- When neurodivergent couples seek psychotherapy, it's important to find a neurodiversity-affirming provider.
- Research suggests that ADHDers are three times more likely to experience divorce than neurotypical people.
- Avoiding assumptions when it comes to communication differences can guard against misunderstandings.
When it comes to couples therapy, there is one population I most enjoy working with—neurodivergent couples. Often these sessions unveil new understandings of previously misinterpreted signals while strengthening what is generally a complex, beautiful attachment between the couple. Even brief psychoeducation and communication-focused sessions can often spark significant change.
In this work, it's exhilarating to see the light bulbs go off and the connections reintegrate between partners.
Yet neurodivergent couples often weather unique dynamics that can affect the relationship. In one sample, it was found that among 231 adults, those with ADHD were three times more likely to experience divorce than those with the diagnosis (Michielsen et al., 2015). Similarly, a qualitative study of couples where one partner received an autism diagnosis during the relationship found that recognition of the neurodivergence often required a readjustment of expectations for both individuals (Lewis, 2017).
Complexities can exist whether both partners are neurodivergent or if one is neurotypical while the other is neurodivergent.
I have often wondered whether there were some 'understanding your neurodivergent spouse' and 'understanding your neurotypical spouse' seminars that couples might attend upon a diagnosis if much confusion and pain could be avoided. I have yet to hear of any such workshops. Nonetheless, what follows are five common trends and strategies that can be game-changing.
1. We Want to Hear Each Other
Feeling unheard can be disastrous to a relationship. Autism and ADHD are both associated with marked alterations in attention. For ADHDers, distraction, moving from task to task, and zoning out with repetitive information is common. In autism, the alteration is more often one of hyperfocus. A partner might begin working on a project with little notice to much else, sometimes for hours on end. When the other partner reaches out, they can become frustrated with the break in focus or hone back in on the original target.
What We Can Do
If your partner keeps zoning out, avoid assumptions. Let them know that it is important that you can be heard. Move to a less distracting place if possible (note: phones and other technology count as distractions). It might be easy to criticize or give up, yet this will only worsen the pattern. Criticism and stonewalling—a pattern of going quiet in response to conflict—are four of Gottman therapy's Four Horseman for the Apocalypse of a Relationship (Gottman, 2008), communication patterns that Dr. John Gottman has recognized will often lead to the end of a relationship if unaddressed.
2. We Appreciate Each Other
According to a variety of psychotherapies including a common couple's therapy called Imago Therapy, when Cupid shoots his arrow it often hits something in each of us that the other doesn't have (Hendrix and Hunt, 2021). A more logical and withdrawn person might find a natural attraction to more chaotic others. Conversely, a more intuitive person who organizes time with spontaneity might find someone who is much more structured. There is a reason we were attracted to each other in the beginning. Yet that very thing that draws us to one another can become what most annoys us down the road.
What We Can Do
Patterns of negativity can be tough to break. If you notice such spirals, practice redrawing a more positive one by explicitly stating appreciation. If you struggle to think of this, lean into what first attracted you to your partner and go from there. Even small statements of gratitude can go a long way.
3. We May Have Different Needs
Neurodivergent people often have extreme preferences for managing conflict. With a monotropic tendency, some might find difficulty in thinking about much else until the matter is resolved. Others become easily overwhelmed and need time to refocus.
What We Can Do
Be cautious against taking your partner's needs as an offense to you. If your partner needs space to think before approaching a conflict but you are stuck, perhaps build strategies for riding the wave until a conversation can occur. On the other side, if your partner seems to need to settle things right now, recognize that their brain might be stuck. Set up a time for the issue to be revisited.
4. Differences Are a Means for Celebration
Particularly for someone who has gotten a late diagnosis of a neurodevelopmental difference, differences in attention, movement, social style, and emotion may have been things of shame in the past. Yet, often, those around find some of these differences beautiful.
What We Can Do
Celebrating differences can show your partner you care. My partner once hung a hammock inside the home for me as I love to sway. I'm always fidgeting, it's how my brain works. To me, this was an expression of "I love you for you."
5. Many Partners Have Opposite Social Preferences
Neurodivergent people run the gamut between extroversion and introversion. Sometimes in a couple, one member will be more socially anxious while another is more outgoing. The partners may need different levels of social interaction to be content.
What We Can Do
Recognize your partner's needs while expressing your own. This might mean meeting in the middle at times or watching your partner engage socially in ways you likely wouldn't. That's okay!
In Conclusion
Neurodivergent couples carry both a variety of relationship strengths and challenges. Practicing these strategies can improve relationship health. At times, couples therapy may also be necessary. Seeking a couple's counseling is not a failure, it is a dedication by the individuals involved that this relationship matters and is worthy of setting aside time for.
One popular modality of couple's therapy, Imago Therapy, has an adaptation for meeting the needs of couples with ADHD (Robbins, 2016). Still, research on the efficacy of specific couple's approaches compared to each other for neurodivergent clients is still lacking. The effectiveness and knowledge of the particular therapist may make the most difference. Seeking a neurodivergent-affirming couples therapist can assist with navigating neurodiversity-specific needs.
References
Gottman, J. M. (2008). Gottman method couple therapy. Clinical handbook of couple therapy, 4(8), 138-164.
Hendrix, H. and Hunt, H. (2021). Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between: A Clinician's Guide. W. W. Norton & Company
Lewis, L. F. (2017). “We will never be normal”: The experience of discovering a partner has autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 43(4), 631-643.
Michielsen, M., Comijs, H. C., Aartsen, M. J., Semeijn, E. J., Beekman, A. T., Deeg, D. J., & Kooij, J. S. (2015). The relationships between ADHD and social functioning and participation in older adults in a population-based study. Journal of Attention Disorders, 19(5), 368-379.
Robbins, C. A. (2016). Imago Relationship Therapy Adapted for ADHD. In Adult ADHD-Focused Couple Therapy (pp. 175-193). Routledge.
