Why Some People Feel Too Different to Be Understood

I first learned the clinical term "enigma predicament" while attending a training in radically open dialectical behavioral therapy, but it's a concept I've related to since childhood. The words describe an experience of feeling different and often alone. A person within this paradox might feel so unlike others that there is a sense that others couldn't understand them (Lynch, 2018).

It's a particularly familiar experience for neurodivergent people and those living with mental health conditions. We might genuinely integrate information differently, leading us to feel, well, different.

This feeling of being different can lead to a sense of negative exception—that one is almost inherently "less than" others and ought to be treated as such. For some, the predicament conversely links to a sense of entitlement—that one should be treated as exceptional because they are.

The reality is that, as humans, we have more in common than we do differently. We have worth because we are. Not that we are "smart," "pretty," or generally what others want us to be, but because we just are.

Still, the experience of being misunderstood is painful and isolating.

If you relate to this, here are four things you can do to reconnect.

1. Find where you do connect. If you don't connect immediately to other people, maybe you find that you can connect with art, music, literature, or animals. These connections also count and can bridge a gap between ourselves and others.

2. Embrace your weird. There is nothing wrong with feeling mysterious or having unusual tendencies or interests. You might have a compulsion to hide these or mask them. Yet in hiding your quirks, you deny others the ability to get to know the true you. Try to do the opposite, as long as it isn't hurting anyone. Practice outing yourself and broadcasting the things that make you.

3. Express. Look for new avenues of expression. This doesn't have to be anything you share with others (although it can be). Journaling, creating art, or even going on rants are all ways of releasing what's in your mind.

4. Embrace common humanity. Common humanity is the concept we all share as fellow humans, both joys and pains. It is a way of showing ourselves and others compassion. Keying in on these joined experiences can help us reconnect.

Conclusion

If you relate to the enigma predicament, you aren't alone. It does not mean you are unreachable. If you find yourself particularly distressed by it, reaching out to a psychotherapist, particularly one who practices radically open dialectical behavioral therapy, may be a first step toward exploring yourself and how you wish to relate with others.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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