5 Ways to Heal from Being the Family Scapegoat

There is an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 6, Episode 11) where Captain Picard finds himself trapped by enemy forces. His tormentors show him four lights repeatedly while asking him to name the number of lights. Each time he says four, he is shocked and told there are five lights. Upon his escape, Captain Picard confides in a counselor that while there were truly only four lights, he began to believe that he saw five.

When I watch this episode, I have tears. Not because of the great acting or my love of Star Trek (although I am a fan), but because of the incredibly vivid and accurate portrayal of what it feels like to have your story overturned, to be devalued, and have your truth discredited.

Perhaps we all do this to some degree, as a society, as individuals, and even in our families. Some disagreement regarding what is true is normal and healthy. We all have separate sets of eyes, right? Yet, there is a particular way an overarching, false narrative shows up in some families that can inflict immense harm: scapegoating. Scapegoating relies on a story that devalues someone to preserve the value of everyone else. Usually, it is accompanied by discrediting the scapegoat's experiences, perspectives, and needs.

It happens often in families, without members even being aware. When a child is scapegoated repeatedly throughout their childhood, the effects on their emotional well-being can be devastating.

Family Stories and Scapegoating

Within family systems theory, a scapegoat is one individual who carries the burdens of the home. Usually, it refers to a child, and we are most vulnerable to this role as adolescents. When something goes wrong, the scapegoat is painted to be at fault. The youth might start to feel hopeless as expectations become unreachable and even their best efforts result in rounds of chastisement. Eventually, they often start to live up to the label, acting out and 'confirming' the role. The internalized message is that they are bad. When the family presents for therapy, the scapegoat is most likely to be the 'identified patient.'

I believe that in most families, everyone is doing the best they can. When scapegoating comes into play, families are usually unaware of the cycle they are in. One or both of the parents may have themselves been a scapegoat in their family of origin. There might also be an exceptional level of stress in the home. Still, this assignment of scapegoat does not appreciate the reality that people are complex, that children can make mistakes without being 'bad,' and that children are not the cause of all problems in a family. Over time, this story can tear apart a person's sense of self-worth.

A research study of adults reflecting upon their childhood found that youth who were placed into a scapegoat role were more likely to experience abuse and neglect. They also often described themselves as "problematic" or "a burden" (Guler, 2021). Another study of younger and older adults found that individuals who found themselves in a scapegoat role in their family of origin were more likely to experience depressive symptoms (Zagefka et al., 2021).

By the time someone realizes that they have been a scapegoat (if they ever recognize it), they are usually adults, and some damage has been done. Unfortunately, for some scapegoat dynamics also continue in the family through adulthood. Realization is the first step in healing. What follows are five steps someone can take to free themselves from the impacts of this family story.

1. Practice Trusting Yourself. If you grew up in the role of scapegoat, likely, you were often not believed. You may have been accused of lying even when you were not. Your perspectives were likely not given much weight. This naturally leads someone to not trust themselves. Taking small steps in asserting your viewpoints and building self-trust is a step toward healing. This can include keeping promises to yourself that reinforce your self-respect, such as a commitment not to engage with someone who repeatedly belittles you.
2. Have an Open Mind. In families that scapegoat, the family narrative can become very black and white. Someone is right and someone is wrong. If you were the scapegoat, chances are you were usually told you were the wrong one. In truth, there can be many ways of seeing any given situation. Practice looking for the middle ground between extremes and having an open mind.
3. Practice Self-Compassion. Receiving compassion can feel foreign to a person who has been scapegoated in childhood, making self-compassion difficult. Practice talking to yourself as you would a close friend and making choices that reflect your worth. This can include taking breaks when you need to, making your preferences known, and forgiving yourself when missteps inevitably happen.
4. Free Yourself from the Need for Others' Validation of Your Story. When our families share our truth and acknowledge our experiences, it can be incredibly healing. If you've had that experience, I love that for you. Still, for many, this never happens. And it doesn't have to. You don't need others to agree for your story to be true. In addition, know that other members of your family carry their own stories. It could be painful for them to acknowledge the role you played as a scapegoat and the pain it has caused you. This doesn't mean that your perspective is not valid.
5. Seek Help. Psychotherapy can be a place to share family stories without the risk of affecting family relationships or being instantly shot down for what you share. Healing comes when we can acknowledge and share our stories. A skilled therapist can help you to understand and challenge the impacts that scapegoating has had on you.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Facebook image: Michal Plachy/Shutterstock