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Signs of Thanksgiving are everywhere this week. We are consistently reminded to give thanks for all that we have, especially friends and family.
But what if you don’t feel thankful? Maybe you are lacking close relationships or recently have gone through a major breakup or loss of a loved one. Maybe you do have others in your life, but your relationships are conflictual or disappointing. Perhaps you have lost your job or have serious or chronic health problems, which make it difficult to feel thankful. Or you might struggle with depression or other mental health problems that make getting through every day a challenge.
If one of these situations resonates with you, you might not be feeling very thankful.
For some people, reminders to be thankful can bring joy. But what are the effects of being prompted to be thankful when you just aren’t feeling thankful?
Unfortunately, when you aren’t feeling thankful, reminders to be thankful can make you feel even worse. When you are struggling, being prompted to be thankful may seem insensitive. You may feel misunderstood, alone, or isolated. You might feel like everyone around you is thankful and full of joy, and you are alone in your thanklessness. You may feel annoyed or even angry if it seems that others want you to be thankful to fit their schema for the holiday. If you have tried to feel thankful and just can’t do it, you may feel disappointed in yourself.
If this is how you feel, getting through the holiday can be challenging. Here are some ideas for making it a bit easier.
1. Accept your feelings and be compassionate with yourself. You may think that you are supposed to feel thankful on Thanksgiving. This is especially true if there are some aspects of your life that are positive, such as good health or a steady job. However, sometimes our struggles weigh heavily on us, making it difficult to appreciate our blessings. If this is happening to you, that is alright. It happens to the best of us. Not being able to feel thankful doesn’t make someone a “bad person.” You may be having a tough time, and the tough times may be fleeting or may be more longstanding. Either way, please see yourself and treat yourself with the compassion and understanding that you deserve.
Accepting your feelings is important because it can bring you more peace than trying to fight them. In addition, accepting your feelings is important because denying feelings can lead to other problems. If you go into Thanksgiving pretending to feel something that you don’t, this façade can crumble during the day, leading you to feel even worse than you did in the first place.
2. Make a plan for challenging interactions. Many holidays have fallen apart as a result of quibbling throughout the day or full-blown arguments. If you anticipate being irritated or provoked by someone during the day, whether it’s your mother-in-law, third cousin, or own spouse or child, make a plan now for how you will react. Thanksgiving dinner is probably not the best time for proving that you are right or making a case for something controversial that is important to you, especially if you are not feeling your best. Instead of trying to win those arguments, try embracing the goal of getting through the day with as much grace and peace as possible.
To do this, you need to think about what you will do when someone sets you off or gets under your skin that will deescalate the tension. This could be blowing off a comment, agreeing if you can, agreeing to disagree, changing the subject, or saying you aren’t going to talk about a particular topic on that day. Doing any of these things will probably mean that you are being the bigger person. This may not be “fair,” but it will increase the chances of you making it through your day with less stress.
3. Make a plan if you are going to spend the day alone. For any number of reasons, many people find themselves alone on Thanksgiving when they rather would spend the day with others. Certainly, there can be ways to get around this, such as inviting others to your home, asking a friend if you can join them (even if doing so is a little awkward), or volunteering at a homeless shelter or other location serving Thanksgiving dinner. If none of these ideas appeal to you or are possible, you can still make peace with the holiday on your own. The irony here is that many of us would typically be thrilled to have a day to ourselves with no expectations for productivity. However, the day can feel empty when it’s a holiday.
Now is the time to start re-framing how you think about this day on your own. This may not be what you wanted, but it’s what you have. So, how can you make the best of it? What would you do if the day were not a holiday? Thinking about this now is important so you can research what shops or restaurants will be closed and gather whatever you need for your day now. Remember too that a good plan does not necessarily mean that you won’t have feelings of sadness or disappointment. But a good plan for filling the time with things you enjoy should help the hours roll by faster and with more pleasant moments.
4. End the day with something to look forward to. What do you most enjoy doing in the hour or two before going to sleep? Maybe it’s a cozy spot with a good book, or a bath and glass of wine, or a long drive, or walk outside. Whatever it is, do it. If you have a busy day with friends or family, prioritize carving out and protecting this time. If you are on your own, save these activities for the end of the day. Doing this will serve two purposes. First, you will have something to look forward to as you make your way through your day. Second, it is a way of rewarding yourself. By evening, you will have made it through a day that you found challenging. This is not an easy feat, and you should take pride in what you have done.
A bad habit that most of us have is thinking about things in dichotomies. We tend to think that those of us who feel thankful and enjoy the holiday will have a wonderful day, and those of us who aren’t feeling thankful will have a terrible day. In reality, most of us will have an okay day, with some ups and some downs. If you aren’t feeling thankful, don’t assume that your day will be terrible unless you can find some way to make it wonderful. Instead, get comfortable with the idea of an okay day, with some pleasant moments. Because okay days with a few highlights actually aren't so bad.
