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Key points
- Most friendships end. Some friendships end mutually, either sadly or acrimoniously
- The end can trigger a range of emotional experiences, including grief, loss, resignation, gratitude, anger, and relief.
- Circumstantial friendships change organically based on changing life circumstance.
Most friendships end. It is a painful truth and a universal reality. While some people go through only a few romantic breakups, most friendships come and go, ebb and flow. Here are some of the most common ways that friendships end.
1) Mutual decision after a conversation. Some friendships end when both members of the friendship have a mature conversation and decide that their friendship no longer works. The parties may have grown apart or stumbled upon relationship dealbreakers or found that circumstances make continuing the friendship impossible. I suspect these kinds of conversations are rare as they require maturity, vulnerability, and insight.
2) Mutual drifting apart. Some friendships end when both people decide not to continue investing in the friendship but the ending is subtler. Instead of having a conversation, they drift apart. This sort of ending may be characterized by sadness, resignation, and falling out.
3) A falling out. This occurs when the members of the friendship have an argument that irrevocably shatters the relationship. The falling out may happen as a result of a single betrayal, or a build-up that leads to a fight.
4) One side pulls away (with conversation). In this scenario, one friend pulls away from the friendship while the other would like to maintain it. That one friend may feel betrayed, unsatisfied with the friendship, or feel that they are moving in a different life direction. This ending creates lopsided feelings, in which only one of the two participants gets their preferred outcome.
5) One side pulls away without conversation (ghosting). Like the previous scenario, in this scenario, one member of the friendship pulls away while the other wants to stay connected. But in this case, the friend backs away quietly, ghosting the friendship. They may choose to ghost because they feel uncomfortable with confrontation in general, the particular confrontation feels too potentially painful, they lack the communication skills, or do not feel it is worth it to engage. This form of leaving a friendship can leave the left party feeling confused, hurt, and angry.
6) New variable leads to disconnection. In this scenario, a new variable becomes a wedge in the friendship that leads it to end in one of the listed ways. This can look like: One friend is dating somebody the other cannot stand. Or one person joining a political cause that alienates the other. This form of ending can be particularly painful because it can feel like the friendship should be saveable or that this should have been avoidable.
7) Circumstantial changes. Some friendships are circumstantial. They occur because people work at the same job, live in the same dorm, or go to the same church. These friendships may change organically when those circumstances change. When college ends, a person switches jobs, or one friend moves away, the common ground in the relationship disappears and the friends drift apart.
8) Death. In this scenario, one member of the friendship dies. It is the only scenario in which no member of the friendship wanted it to conclude but only one is left to grieve the loss.
Ending friendships can be mutual or one-sided, gentle or harsh, quick or drawn-out. In their wake, members of the friendship go through a range of emotional experiences, including grief, loss, resignation, gratitude, anger, and relief. In a self-compassionate way, those going through the loss can give themselves gentle permission to experience their emotions while connecting to its universality. We have all been there. It is okay if it hurts.
Read Next: 4 Signs That You've Outgrown a Friendship
