Relationship Role Models Don’t Have to Be Perfect

When couples struggle in their relationships, endure a separation or even permanently split up, we might assume they no longer serve as role models for their children or other young people in their lives. However, my interviews with young adults suggest that may not be the case.

In a study I conducted with Hung Yuan Lo, we found that people whose parents had some difficulty in their marriages but maintained loving, committed relationships, in the long run, could be strong role models for their children. Whether you’re a parent worried about your relationship imperfections or an adult child seeking role models, what we found might be helpful to you.

Struggles Are Normal

Adult children whose parents had difficulty in their relationships felt prepared to face adversity and challenges in their own committed, long-term relationships. When they hit rough spots with their partners, it did not leave them feeling like they were with the wrong person or should just give up. They remembered watching their parents work through separations or difficulties and realized they could do that too. They gained a certain amount of grit when working through relationship problems.

Commitment Is Powerful

For parents who made it through a separation and went on to have loving relationships, kids took away that commitment was a powerful motivator for mending relationships and moving forward. Whether the motivation was a long history together, religious beliefs, or wanting to maintain their families, observing their parents lean on a commitment to helping them through tough times gave young adult children great respect for perseverance in relationships.

Divorce Is Not a Dealbreaker

Evidence from our study and many other interviews I have conducted with the children of divorced parents suggest that positive relationship role models can be divorced. Some adult children discussed how much they respected seeing their parents learn to get along and work together as co-parents after divorce. They viewed this as a reminder that we can get along with most people if we really try.

Other children witnessed their parents’ successful remarriages and were able to use those relationships as models for their own lives. Even if their parents did not have a positive relationship, stepparents sometimes brought new relationship skills and values to the family.

Not All Role Models Are Positive

There is enormous variety in how and why parents struggle, separate, or divorce. If children witness abuse, ongoing conflict, infidelity, churning through different relationship partners, or disrespect between partners, they treat their parents as negative role models–as reminders of what not to do in their relationships.

Relationship role models do not need to be perfect. Facing adversity and overcoming it is a powerful and practical lesson for children. However, children are keenly aware of unhealthy patterns between their parents. They notice it as adults even if they could not see the problems as children. In those cases, commitment or perseverance to negative relationships is not positive, and children look to others in their lives for role models they can use to inform their relationship choices.