Does My Teen Hate Me?

I’ve now been a parent for 20 years and a pediatric psychologist for longer than that. I can reassure you with certainty, after talking to hundreds of teens over the years: your children don’t hate you.

In fact, they wish to be closer to you. Yes, even while they are yelling at you, slamming doors, and giving you “attitude.”

I am not sure what has been my greatest learning experience: all the families I’ve worked with or having to handle my own two teens. What I am sure of is that every stage of my children’s development has brought a new mantra into my parenting repertoire and a new pearl I wish to share with every parent who comes to me for help.

What I Hear

Here are some of the typical statements I hear from parents of teens in my psychology office:

• “She hates me. It’s like everything I do is wrong.”
• “He has an anger problem. He is always raging.”
• “Her words cut through my heart like a knife.”
• “I cry all the time after talking to her.”
• “He knows exactly how to hurt my feelings.”

Does this sound familiar?

"It's Not About Me"

So, here is a mantra I would like for you to practice saying to yourself when you are coping with raising a teenager: “It's not about me.”

Perhaps this could apply to other age groups as well, but I have found it applies perfectly to teens.

Example: 16-year-old son speeds after repeated warnings.

Analysis: He is engaging in reckless behavior. You’ve given him many opportunities to drive safely. He is not trying to hurt you, personally. This is not a rebellion against you or your rules. He is not trying to prove you are a terrible parent who raises bad drivers. This is a teenage boy who hasn’t developed an ability to control his impulses yet. Being angry at yourself, losing control of your emotions, and feeling like a failure is not helpful.

How to handle it: Take a deep breath and say, “It’s not about me.” Acknowledge he is working on growing up and making mistakes (albeit dangerous ones) and calmly give an appropriate consequence (take car keys away for a week, put him in a driving course, drive with him for a few days to monitor, etc.)

Example: 15-year-old daughter says she hates you.

Analysis: Being her age means dealing with intense, and, at times, unpredictable and violent emotions. Teenage mood swings are normal and expected. Her friends tell her to hate you. Her hormones tell her to hate you. She doesn’t actually hate you. She hates adults, she hates rules, she hates her raging feelings. In six months, or, perhaps, in six hours, she will love you.

How to handle it: Say to yourself, “It’s not about me.” Walk away calmly and give her space. Don’t lecture her about all the things you’ve done for her because it’s not about you. In a few years, she will love you, depend on you, help you, apologize for all of this if you do this right.

Example: 17-year-old son won’t do homework.

Analysis: It’s his responsibility to do his homework. He knows he needs to do it. He knows the consequences. He is not doing it for you. His choices don’t reflect on your parenting. He is not trying to hurt you by failing. He doesn’t hate you. He is not working on proving you are a terrible parent. He is working on learning to be responsible, which is a long process.

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How to handle it: Tell yourself, “It’s not about me.” Ask if there is anything you can do to help and then step away. Offer him support for the stress of school, which is greater than ever. Remember that going to college is, you guessed it, not about you.

Now, go practice the mantra, over and over and over, until this phase passes.