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Key points
- Most of us feel that if we can solve enough of our problems, we’ll have an enjoyable life.
- Life’s challenges never stop, and we may slowly sink into darkness, “The Abyss.”
- Our attempts to get rid of darkness, especially from repetitive unpleasant thoughts, will break us down.
- The most effective and easiest way to dispel darkness is to embrace light.
We are born as impressionable slates full of openness, curiosity, playfulness, and eagerness to learn. There are innumerable sources of learning, and we trust those whom we perceive as having wisdom to teach us ways to live an enjoyable and productive life. Words and concepts are important, but imitating actions is a more powerful way of learning. The possibilities are limitless.
But what often happens? In a protected and nurturing environment, the light may remain bright for many years, sometimes indefinitely. But for many of us, the light becomes progressively dim and, at some point, we tip into the abyss of chronic mental and physical pain. The light is extinguished, and it is a dark place without hope of escape. This is not what any of us planned when our spirits were shining.
A famous quote
“It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old.
They grow old because they stop pursuing dreams.”
Gabriel Garcia Marquez1
I modified this famous quote based on my personal experiences and observations of anxiety:
“It is not true that people stop pursuing dreams because they grow old.
They grow old because their dreams are crushed by anxiety.”
Darkness
How quickly does darkness descend when you never felt safe and nurtured? Maybe you never felt the light that exists within you. Even if you had a great start, what about the onslaught of life?
- Unmeetable expectations
- Bullying—peers, coworkers, siblings
- FOMO
- Social media
- Poor diet/ no exercise
- Never-ending to-do list
- Lack of resources—housing, food, education, finances
- Job problems
- Difficult parenting
- Unrelenting repetitive unpleasant thoughts (RUTs)
The darkness settles in to the point where we can’t see a way out, and, eventually, we might even forget what the light felt or looked like. Additionally, there is the relentless wind that also wears you down. Life keeps coming at us, especially the RUTs
What do most of us do? We are used to problem solving, and we either keep working at fixing our lives (getting rid of the darkness) or give up. Nothing seems to be working. Where do we go next and how can we get out of a place that seems to have no definition or limits? It really is an abyss.
You cannot “fix” darkness”. It is simply absence of light. You also can’t control most of your thoughts (RUTs) and stresses (the wind).
Darkness disappears with light. A small match is lit, and you must protect the flame from the wind. You may have to keep lighting it many times. Eventually, you are able to protect the flame and allow it to grow. Even when the light is dim, it still penetrates the darkness. As you continue to add fuel, the flame becomes a fire, then a large bonfire that can hardly be contained. The wind will eventually fan the flames and make them stronger.
“The fog rolled in”
Many years ago, I was discussing chronic pain with a patient who was a physical therapist. She related that she had an idyllic upbringing with her parents and two siblings enjoying each other. Family outings included scenic drives, trips to Coney Island, music, and playing board games. There was a lot of fun and laughter.
Then, when she was 12, her father lost his job and her life permanently changed. The fun was replaced with verbal abuse, drinking, rages, and hardly even coming home. She described it as “the fog came in,” and life became dark. It never changed. Only a couple of times that I saw her did she recall how sad she was. I did not know much about chronic pain at that time and was perplexed how life could change so quickly. I did not understand the physiological nature of anger and that the thinking brain does not work so well. I don’t know what eventually happened to her.
Healing happens by moving forward towards your vision
It isn’t logical for us to spend so much time and energy fixing the dark and not paying attention to the light. But it is the only way that healing occurs. You are the only one who can light the match over and over again, protect the flame, and create a fire that can’t be put out. Knowing the tools to process darkness are necessary and are a separate skill set from connecting and nurturing your light. That is why there is a sequence of healing: 1) connection, 2) confidence, and 3) creativity.
Recap
Why do we feel that focusing on and fixing our troubles is going to give us the life that we want? Not only can you escape from The Abyss with light, what about walking outside and soaking in the warmth of the sun?
Your dreams and play are within you. Connect with and nurture them, and your body will heal.
References
1. Gabriel García Márquez. Cien años de soledad (One Hundred Years of Solitude. 1967. Editorial Sudamericanos, S.A., Buenos Aires.
