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Key points
- Burnout is likely when we ignore what is most important by acting on what is less important.
- Burnout is likely when we’re motivated by feelings alone for an extended period.
- Burnout is unlikely when we’re motivated by deeper values.
- Focus less on how you feel and more on whether it’s in your best interest to value or devalue.
We all experience short-term burnout at some point when stress is high or when physical and mental resources are near depletion: “I need a vacation!” Some R&R can indeed be the cure for short-term burnout. But long-term burnout, the kind that seems epidemic now, follows the loss of meaning and purpose in work or relationships.
Many articles on job burnout are readily available on the Internet. Some work burnout results from structural issues in management and poor HR support. It’s likely to occur to workers, managers, and professionals when driven without purpose, relying on adrenaline and cortisol to accomplish their daily tasks. They can function at a high level for a while, without giving meaning to what they do. But eventually, the metabolically expensive bill of adrenaline comes due; they flame out.
Relationship burnout is more complicated.
Burnout vs. Empowerment
Relationship burnout is likely to occur when partners are motivated by feelings alone for an extended period. That’s due, in part, to the salience of negative feelings, which get priority processing in the autopilot brain. Acting on negative feelings is exhausting over time.
Empowerment occurs when partners are motivated by their deepest, most humane values—like compassion, kindness, and protection.
Why Values over Feelings?
Deeper values provide:
- Present and future orientation (feelings are mostly about the past)
- Stronger, more enduring motivation (we might even die for our values)
- Continual meaning and purpose (feelings are relatively short-lived)
- Stronger sense of self (when motivations are predominantly feelings, the sense of self seems volatile, if not fragile)
- Stable well-being, independent of transitory feelings.
To do and feel our best, we must know:
- What we stand for
- What improvements we want to bring about (in ourselves and our relationships)
- What kind of persons, workers, partners, or parents we want to be
- What we want to contribute to the world.
Act on What is Most Important
Burnout looms when we violate what is most important to us by acting on what is less important. If you think of the big mistakes you’ve made in life, most likely involved violating a deeper value by acting on something that was not as important to you. That can include everything from having extramarital affairs to cheating on your taxes to devaluing your child for leaving a towel on the bathroom floor.
Why do we consistently violate more important values by acting on less important feelings and impulses? It has more to do with brain processing than character. Deeper values do not run on autopilot like feelings, impulses, and habits. These mostly bypass the prefrontal cortex (where we make decisions based on values). If we consistently act on superficial feelings, which are largely habituated, we’ll consistently violate our deeper values and increase the risk of burnout.
Importance Exercise
Think of an emotionally charged dispute you had with a client, co-worker, or loved one, and rate the importance of the issue.
This issue was:
- Life or death ___
- Fairly important ___
- Relatively unimportant ___
Will I think this issue was important:
- On my deathbed? ___
- In a year? ___
- Next month? ___
- Tomorrow? ___
These are more important than the issue (check all that apply):
- My health and well-being ___
- My family’s health and well-being ___
Ask yourself:
- If I’d gotten my way in this dispute, how would it have improved my life?
- If I had not gotten my way in this dispute, how would it have diminished my life?
Feed the Spirit
There are several versions of the following story. This is the one I like best.
A young boy felt very close to his aging grandfather. One day the child was upset because a respected man in the village had brutally beaten his wife and brother. Adults could figure out why, but the child was bewildered. He asked his grandfather how this respected man could do such a horrible thing. The grandfather explained that we all have a wolf inside us who can be vicious and cruel.
The little boy objected because he’d seen the man be loving to his wife and brother, hunting for them, sacrificing for them. How could he do those things if he had a vicious and cruel wolf inside him?
The grandfather explained that we also have a spirit inside us that is loving, kind, and compassionate. The wolf and the spirit compete to see which one comes out.
The little boy asked, “Which one wins the competition?”
The grandfather replied, “Whichever one you feed.”
What Feeds the Wolf
- Blaming, denying, avoiding pain (our own and that of others)
- Behavior that violates humane values
- Defending behavior that violates humane values.
The self-defeating nature of defensiveness is subtle. It trains the brain that wolf-like behavior is okay under some circumstances. The next time the brain needs a lift from adrenaline, it will recreate those circumstances to get it. When we defend a behavior, we guarantee that its recurrence.
Feed the Spirit
Acknowledge your pain with compassion and focus on healing and improving. You’ll eliminate burnout by using the pain of living as fuel to appreciate life, love, nature, creativity, and community.
Experiment in Burnout Prevention
When you feel powerless, do something that will make you feel more valuable (be compassionate, kind, appreciative, or loving). Within 20 minutes (at most), your self-value will be higher.
