Self-Interest and Humane Values

Most of our routine behaviors are not conscious choices. They’re either habits that run on autopilot, or they result from tacit judgments. Making conscious behavior choices in our long-term self-interest is difficult, due to our short-term oriented brains embedded with biased thinking. (It’s growing more difficult if the nearly 70% rise in the number of people in therapy since 2002 is a reliable indicator.) So, it’s not surprising that we make few choices that serve both self-interest and humane values of appreciation, compassion, and kindness. Instead, we tend to make what I call self-centered choices, driven by impulse or feelings.

Self-centered behavior choices seek comfort, convenience, preferences, ego-gratification, or ego-defense. Behavior choices seeking the latter two are rarely in our long-term self-interest.

Self-interest behavior choices seek psychological and physical well-being, success, or protection of loved ones, regardless of discomfort and inconvenience.

Humane behavior choices are motivated by appreciation, compassion, kindness, or love. These sensitize us to others, especially loved ones. They allay feelings of isolation and keep us from falling into pits of self-obsession or narcissism.

Although we can certainly love the wrong people at the wrong time, behavior choices in one’s long-term self-interest are generally linked to humane values. Violating humane values creates an air of inauthenticity, while stimulating guilt, shame, and anxiety. (Hidden guilt, shame, and anxiety usually lurk beneath resentment and anger.) Behavior choices in self-interest can sometimes ignore humane values but cannot violate them, without hurtful consequences.

Try This Mental Matrix

A simple guide for optimal behavior choices that I suggest to my clients (and use myself) is a kind of mental matrix, the purpose of which is to guide, not judge or criticize. The imagined matrix has the label:

Self-interest/Humane values

Examples:

The possible behavior choice of trying to win an argument with my wife is driven by ego-gratification and ego-defense. It would not be in my self-interest, as she’d no doubt resent losing the argument. It would certainly violate my humane values to make my wife feel bad. In contrast, respectfully negotiating to find a solution that works for both of us is in my self-interest and honors my humane values.

Working hard on a project fits the self-interest category, only if I allow time for appreciation of someone or something and act compassionately and kindly when needed.

Grocery shopping for my sick neighbors is not in my immediate self-interest, as I have my own work to do. But I feel better about myself for helping them, and that is in my long-term self-interest.

I feel like putting down this person who espouses policies I disagree with, but that would violate my humane values. I feel better about myself respectfully disagreeing.

Avoid These Self-Help Traps

There’s a trend in self-help blogs to describe ego-gratification as an emotional need, which other people must validate, as in “getting your needs met.” People who buy into this ideology develop self-defeating ego defenses against those uninterested in validating their “needs.” They tend to focus more on feelings than behavior and values; how they feel is more important than what they do. Unfortunately, feelings typically lead to short-term and self-centered behavior choices; no one feels like acting in long-term self-interest and according to humane values most of the time.

Many self-help authors overemphasize how awareness of feelings can change behavior, while greatly underestimating how changes in behavior alter feelings. Choose to act humanely, and well-being will follow, on the road to your long-term self-interest.

For all important behavior choices, imagine the words:

Self-Interest/Humane Values

Benign feelings will follow, though not necessarily precede the behavior choice.