The Culture of Toddlerhood

Ever wonder why smart people make the same mistakes over and over? Or why politicians sound like stubborn toddlers overstimulated by a 24-hour news cycle? Or why we seem to be surrounded by power struggles, overreactions, temper tantrums, and resentful pouting?

The Culture of Toddlerhood

Many factors contribute to the culture of toddlerhood. These are chief among them:

• Self-obsession (inability to see perspectives that go beyond personal experience)
• Splitting (all good or bad, angel or demon)
• Entitlement (ever-expanding perception of “rights” and demands)
• Intolerance of uncertainty and disagreement
• Elevation of feelings over values
• Substituting power for value

Self-obsession: The culture of toddlerhood is fixated on feeling good as a primary objective. Yet nearly all its messages are of self-obsession and “getting your needs met.” Research on happiness suggests that self-awareness, balanced by mindfulness of the environment and meaningful interactions with others, brings happiness, while self-obsession destroys it. We're becoming a nation of reality show characters, as fascinated with ourselves as toddlers staring at a mirror. In the culture of toddlerhood, we're frozen, like deer in headlights, by the glare of our imagined reflections.

When emotional, we’re like toddlers in that we cannot see other perspectives and can empathize only with people who agree with us.

Splitting: Splitting has taken over the media and, by extension, political discourse. Angry, resentful, contentious, and rude emails, blogs, and tweets, as well as oversimplified, heavily negative political discourse and governmental gridlock, are here to stay. And they're certain to get worse until we outgrow the culture of toddlerhood.

Entitlement: The favorite word of the toddler is “Mine!” (My way!)

Intolerance: The second-favorite word of the toddler is: “No!” Intolerance of disagreement ultimately rises from the dread of uncertainty, a dread that severely limits growth and accomplishment. Uncertainty, if we can tolerate it, drives us to learn more and connect to one another; it makes us smarter and more compassionate.

How often do we see in the media anything like complex adult dialogues that focus on cooperation and reconciliation of disparate views? Adult dialogue makes poor sound bites, lousy tweets, and boring blogs.

Elevation of feelings over values: Much of pop culture assumes that “How you feel is who you are.” In this "cult of feelings," what we feel is at least as important as what we do. (Think of all the news interviewers who shove microphones in the faces of politicians, perpetrators, and victims alike to ask the overwhelming question, "How do you feel?") We give more importance to personal feelings than personal values and to expressing how we feel rather than doing what we deeply believe is right. The result is a culture that elevates superficial feelings over the deeper meaning of experience.

Substituting power for value: Much of the psychological suffering in the world comes from substituting power for value. When they feel devalued, many people confuse the decline in energy and well-being (resulting from a deflated ego) with physical threat, which floods them with adrenaline and cortisol. These stimulating hormones make them feel temporarily more powerful and primed to exert power, either overtly or passively. A lot of the cortisol that is typically blamed on “stress” comes from entitled egos perceiving continual threat and insult. When feeling devalued, we must do something that makes us feel more valuable, not more powerful.

We seem trapped in perpetual toddlerhood due to the rampant use of the toddler coping mechanisms—blame, denial, and avoidance. To change the culture, we must replace blame, denial, and avoidance with the adult coping mechanisms of improving, appreciating, connecting, and protecting.

A simple rule: When you feel like blaming, ask yourself, What can I do to make this a little better?

Exercise

Describe a time when you blamed someone for something, denied responsibility, or avoided a problem.

Put that same event in the future and observe how the problem will likely ameliorate when you improve, appreciate, connect, or protect.