Love and the Communication Myth

One of the great myths of pop psychology is that communicating better makes good relationships. It’s the myth that launched a thousand books of communication techniques to help you say what you mean and understand what your partner means.

This always seemed ironic to me, having worked for nearly four decades with resentful, angry, abusive couples, who are quite clear and unambiguous in what they communicate.

The obvious shortcoming of communication approaches to improving relationships is the cardinal sin of research — mistaking correlation with causation. In surveys of happy couples, most cite good communication as a factor in their relationship satisfaction, so there is a correlation. But it’s more likely that communication is good in those relationships because the partners are happy.

Another problem with communication techniques is that couples don’t communicate primarily with words. Attached couples communicate via emotional demeanor — body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact. These are processed in the brain before it activates the regions that give meaning to spoken words. That is, we make implicit judgments about an interaction before we know what the spoken words mean. Unnatural sounding communication techniques can make things worse when the words belie emotional demeanor. We sound like bad actors or politicians, not concerned partners.

Unless we communicate (through emotional demeanor) a sincere desire to understand and care, communication techniques will seem manipulative and phony. At best, we’ll feel heard but not connected.

Think connection, not words. The words you use are not nearly as important as the emotional state you’re in when you use them.

The Nonverbal Language of Connection

• Desire to understand
• Respect
• Appreciation
• Sincerity

Connection is easier when you focus more on values than facts. Focus on behaving like the partner you most want to be, not on winning an argument. When you recognize that your connection is more important than your disagreements, specific disagreements are more easily resolved.

Accept that your partner is different from you. You most likely have different temperaments, metabolisms, hormonal levels, and core vulnerabilities, and you certainly have different life experiences and family histories. All of these greatly influence the emotional meaning we give to events and behaviors. Never insist that things mean the same to both of you.

The goal of communication is to reconcile divergent perspectives, not have one prevail at the expense of the other.

Discussing Problems

Connect first, at least in attitude.

Regard your partner as a partner, not an opponent. Connected, you can solve problems. Disconnected, you're likely to blame each other for the pain of disconnection.

Keep in mind that you like yourself better when compassionate and kind to your partner than when you’re resentful.

The goal is to reach a solution you can both feel okay about, even if it’s not optimal for either of you individually. No one should feel disregarded, taken advantage of, or disrespected.

Never accuse your partner of something negative; remind that we — not you — must remain respectful.

If you make a behavior request, be sure your partner thinks it’s fair. Don’t contradict or try to prove your partner wrong. Ask for and add more information about fairness. Shed more light.