Metaphors of Life and Love

The human brain has an affinity for metaphors—a word or phrase that means something other than what it literally denotes. In addition to stimulating higher levels of mental processing, metaphors elevate discourse beyond mere relating of facts. They afford us a richer expression of concepts, perceptions, and emotions.

Used well, metaphors deepen communication, advance knowledge, and inspire us. To paraphrase Tennessee Williams, metaphor is the natural language of the humanities. Without metaphor, conversations would seem banal or boring.

The right metaphors lead to emotional growth and healing; the wrong ones block improvement or make things worse.

A classic example of a bad metaphor is the description of angry outbursts as “letting off steam.” This unfortunate phrase derives from a 19th-century understanding of emotions when the dominant technology was the steam engine. The theory held that, without frequent “release,” emotions “build up” to dangerous levels until they cause an explosion. The steam engine metaphor led to widely discredited “therapeutic” techniques such as punching pillows, dolls, or dummies, and using foam baseball bats to club imaginary adversaries. Many studies have shown that such techniques make people angrier and more hostile, not to mention more entitled to act out their anger. Rather than “getting it out of your system,” repetition forms habits that make hostile emotional states more automatic and dominant.

An accurate metaphor describes emotions as mental muscles—the more you exercise them, the stronger the neural connections underlying them grow. The more you focus on any emotion, the more likely you are to frequently experience it by habit.

Implicit Metaphors

Although "implicit metaphors" guide behavior outside awareness, they can be ascertained on reflection.

I ask clients at intake to come up with metaphors that describe their lives. Here are typical responses:

“Life is a minefield.”

“Life is a journey.”

“Life is a three-ring circus.”

“Life is a race.”

“Life is a marathon.”

“Life is a battle.”

“Only the strong survive.”

Such metaphors sound subtle alarms, experienced as unease or tension. They distort appraisals of reality and make us ever-ready to worsen experiences through blame, denial, or avoidance.

Bad Relationship Metaphors

The following are metaphors that intensified and prolonged painful standoffs between a client and his wife:

“A good husband is a rock,” which made him hard and intransigent.

“If a husband seems weak, he’ll be manipulated.”

“Marriage is a movie thriller; you have to drive hard to avoid a bad end.”

“Love is a meal we must eat together,” which made her feel needy.

We replaced these dysfunctional metaphors with those based on their deeper values:

“A good husband is a champion, a nurse, a guide, and a shade tree.”

“Marriage is a handful of seeds; with nurturing and care, they develop into a lovely garden.”

“Marriage is a movie with some comedy, mystery, excitement, sorrow, pain, love, and beauty.”

"Love is a lifeline that keeps us connected, even when we’re apart.”

When humane values fuel metaphors, they improve lives and enrich experiences.

Exercise

What is your metaphor for life?

If it's negative, adapt it in a way that allows improvement.

What is your metaphor for your relationship?

If it's negative, adapt it in a way that allows improvement.