Do’s and Don’ts of Compassionate Parenting

Compassionate Parenting Tenets

• Provide unconditional love, compassion, and acceptance
• Instill optimism
• Use guidance and discipline opportunities to teach skills in negotiation/cooperation.
• MODEL (children learn from watching you) the Five R’s of parenting:

1. Resourcefulness
2. Responsibility
3. Respect
4. Relationship investment
5. Regulation of impulses and emotions

MODEL Resourcefulness

• Do stay focused on solutions
• Don’t blame

• Do ask questions that elicit solutions from the child
• Don’t solve the problem or offer unsolicited advice

• Do encourage the child to consider alternative solutions
• Don’t imply that there is only one “right way” to do things

• Do encourage brainstorming of possible solutions
• Don’t dismiss the child’s ideas out of hand

MODEL Responsibility

• Do keep your commitments
• Don’t break promises

• Do consider the feelings of others
• Don’t act like the “Lord and Master”

• Do pick up after yourself
• Don’t make others wait on you

• Do hold morals above convenience
• Don’t justify your incorrect behavior

• Do be authoritative
• Don’t be authoritarian

• Do admit to being unsure
• Don’t pretend to know it all

• Do be truthful and honest
• Don’t be phony, lie, or cheat

• Do show that power includes responsibility
• Don’t exert power arbitrarily

MODEL Respect

• Do treat everyone with respect
• Don’t ridicule anyone

• Do let the child speak for himself
• Don’t speak over the child

• Do listen
• Don’t assume you know what the child is thinking or feeling

• Do reflect
• Don’t react

• Do focus on uniqueness of each child
• Don’t compare the child to other children, including siblings

• Do talk
• Don’t yell, scream, or lecture

• Do let the child have her own childhood
• Don’t use your childhood as a standard

• Do validate the child’s feelings (affirm the child’s right to have them)
• Don’t invalidate the child’s experience (tell him what he really feels or what she doesn’t have the right to feel)

MODEL Regulation of impulses, emotions

• Do ask the child to list the consequences of acting on impulse
• Don’t lecture or moralize about consequences

• Do show compassion for self and others
• Don’t blame or put down self and others

• Do hold the child’s perspective alongside your own
• Don’t get locked in your own perspective

• Do express deeper feelings
• Don’t express symptoms/defenses, e.g., shaming anger, anxiety, obsessions

• Do be flexible
• Don’t be rigid

Model Relationship Investment

• Do let the child know she is important to you.
• Don’t assume your child knows that caring and love motivate you, especially in discipline

• Do celebrate special occasions
• Don’t downplay birthdays and holidays

• Do show compassion and kindness
• Don’t take the child for granted

• Do hug the child six times per day
• Don’t withhold hugs as a consequence of bad behavior

• Be trustworthy (keep your promises)
• Don’t use a double standard (e.g., “Do as I say, not as I do.”)

• Do establish safety
• Don’t make the child afraid or ashamed

• Do show respect for the rights and feelings of others
• Don’t violate the rights and feelings of the child for mistakes

Instill Optimism

• Do enjoy the child
• Don’t imply that the child is a burden

• Do learn from the child
• Don’t assume you know it all

• Do play
• Don’t tease (at the child’s expense)

• Do teach the core value of self and others
• Don’t imply that the child is inferior or superior to others

• Do teach that mistakes are temporary, due to situation or particular effort, and usually correctable
• Don’t imply that mistakes are permanent, irrevocable, or due to personality or lack of aptitude or talent

• Do praise specific effort or accomplishment
• Don’t praise the child in general

• Do kiss goodnight
• Don’t send a child to bed in anger

• Do laugh with the child
• Don’t take everything seriously

• Do sit with the child at meals
• Don’t ignore the child while eating

• Do fun things together
• Don’t always say, “go play” or “Watch TV”

• Do show pleasure to see the child after school
• Don’t ignore the child’s homecoming or immediately discipline or make assignments

Use guidance/discipline to teach negotiation/cooperation skills

• Do empower (help the child to do well)
• Don’t engage in power struggles

• Do express problems accurately
• Don’t exaggerate or minimize

• Do teach the child how to do better
• Don’t shame or humiliate the child

• Do set limits
• Don’t hit, spank, demean, or make the child feel bad about herself to control behavior

• Do criticize specific behavior at specific times
• Don’t criticize globally or label the child (lazy, dumb, liar, etc.)

• Do offer specific sanctions for specific behavior
• Don’t discipline a “bad boy/girl”

• Do respectfully ask how the child can prevent the mistake in the future
• Don’t threaten or punish

• Do withhold rewards or privileges
• Don’t withdraw affection or threaten abandonment

• Do let the child learn
• Don’t intervene too soon

• Do enhance the child’s strengths
• Don’t focus on the child’s weaknesses

• Do respectfully confront
• Don’t avoid

• Do attend to positive behavior
• Don’t reinforce negative behavior with exaggerated attention

• Do allow your child to make choices within parameters acceptable to you
• Don’t sweat the small stuff or try to control everything

• Do teach that some tasks are negotiable
• Don’t imply that all tasks and instructions are carved in stone

• Do show that cooperation is fun and productive
• Don't make cooperation unnecesarrily difficult

• Do model the empowerment of cooperation
• Don't make cooperation punishing or seem like weakness

• Do foster an attitude of cooperation
• Don’t demand submission

• Do point out your child’s internal reward for cooperating
• Don’t call your child selfish

• Do give your child freedom of choice within parameters of acceptable behavior
• Don’t make most choices for the child

• Do show value for the child when you want cooperation
• Don’t devalue the child to get submission

• Do model the benefits of negotiation
• Don't cut off negotiation if it's not going your way

Compassionate Parenting