How to Handle the Tension Between Romance and Realism

For just a moment, let’s admit that life is hard and doesn’t end well. Of course, we all know that. But we don’t want to know it. We’d rather imagine that, though life can be difficult, if we play our cards right, we’ll end up in some romantic commitment that thrives happily ever after, soulmates for eternity, a religion whose members go heaven, a political movement that achieves victory and then utopia.

We loved fairy tales as kids. We assume that we grow out of it, but I don’t believe we do. The dream of happily-ever-after lives on in fiction, religion, spirituality, politics, economics, and, obviously, in romantic love’s happily-ever-after.

Happily-ever-after is my definition of romance. In religion, we romanticize heavenly happiness-ever-after. In spirituality, we romanticize enlightenment-ever-after. In business, we romanticize luxury-ever-after. Dictator wannabes romanticize being king not just for a day but forever. Ideologues romance utopia-ever-after.

I think we need these romantic fantasies. I don’t know anyone who can do without them. It’s unrealistic to think we can stay realistic. Our hearts would cry; our minds would fry. No one stays bolted to reality 24/7. We’ve all got a romantic screw loose so we can flop away from reality when it gets to be too much. Romantic escapism is inescapable.

Romance loves company, so we end up falling in with like-minded romantics. Our screw loose feels less screwy when others affirm our romantic vision. Romantic commitments nestle us cozily out of reality’s rain.

Romantic commitments are necessary and useful. They can be lots of fun and very productive. Think of the art made in the name of religion or the partners who thrive on each other’s “til death do us part” unconditional support.

Still, as any divorcée can tell you, romantic commitments can be dangerous. Many an ex regrets their romantic commitment. More broadly, romantic commitments can get cultish and bloody, even apocalyptic. History is strewn with the battlefields of romantic culture clashes, utopian nations, religions, political movements killing each other in the name of some heavenly hereafter. Romance, could be the death of us all.

The question, then, is how to manage our romantic commitments. How can we reap the comfort we need from them while avoiding the dangers?

First, I think we can. We can have our necessary romantic escapisms and face reality, too.

I watch lots of TV. It’s vivid for me. I sometimes cry at happy endings and not just in romcoms, either. I’ll cry when the good guys vanquish the bad guys once and for all and reign victorious ever after. When the show’s over, I turn off the TV and get back to reality.

I make a distinction between believing and relieving. I act on my beliefs. I get therapeutic relief from fiction. I believe in science. I relieve in romantic fiction. Simple.

It’s a little harder to uphold the distinction between belief and relief when you’re committed to a romantic community. You’ll creep them out if you wink at your spouse or fellow church member, “I love this romantic stuff, but you know it's fiction, right?” It’s like someone muttering through a movie, “Ha! So unrealistic.” You’ll be ushered out. “What the hell are you even doing here if you’re not a true believer?”

Still, I think that wink is worth it. Romantic commitments can end in everyone drinking the Kool-Aid and dying. They can end up with romantic dictators nuking the world because they and all their disciples live in romantic la-la-land.

Better to be an untrue believer. Get your relief from your romantic beliefs, but know it’s not true. Don’t pretend your romantic brand entitles you to some kind of authority about how to bring about happily-ever-after because it doesn’t. There is none. Life is hard and doesn’t end well. That’s hard to face, but it’s easier when you can enjoy safe romanticism on the side.

The difference between safe and dangerous romantic escapism isn’t in how far out you go but whether you remember to come back to reality after. Take your flights of fancy but always with a return ticket to reality secure in your heart pocket.

This article as a video.