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Gaslighting
How to Respond When Being Gaslit
Knowing what to do is key.
Posted September 10, 2023 Reviewed by Abigail Fagan
Key points
- Gaslighting is manipulative behavior often used by narcissistic people.
- People can protect their energy by setting boundaries.
- Being aware of the signs of gaslighting, including common phrases, can protect people from it.
Gaslighting is a term that has been growing in popularity and for good reason. More and more people are speaking out against the effects of abuse and we are seeing just how ubiquitous this manipulative tactic is. Gaslighting is a tactic often used by narcissists (and those in power) to discredit the perception of the other person by making them feel “crazy”, confused, and self-doubting.
For the gaslighter, this benefits them because they no longer have to share reality with you and instead get to create an entirely new one. The problem for the "gaslightee" is that they end up living in a flipped existence where up is down and down is up, making it very difficult to trust their perceptions.
The way out of this cycle isn’t always easy, but it is possible. I always like to remind my clients that the first step out of gaslighting is to be able to recognize when it’s happening and respond differently, which doesn’t mean you won’t feel its effects, but you will be in a much better position to pivot away from it.
Being Aware of the Tactic
When a person is gaslighting you, they’ll typically use phrases to undermine your perspective and you may feel this physiologically: upset stomach, tension in the body, racing heart, freezing up, or feeling a sense of energy surging throughout the body. Your mind may start to race and you may notice a moment of doubt surface, “Are they right? Is that what I actually said?”
Some phrases you may hear are:
- “That’s not what happened.”
- “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
- “You don’t have the greatest of memories.”
- “You’re wrong.”
- “No, you don’t remember that correctly.”
And the list goes on, but ultimately the emphasis will be the same: “I know what is real and you don’t.”
Name It and Change Direction
When you catch this happening from a narcissistic person, the first thing is to be able to name it internally. Then, you will want to immediately disengage. Do not get pulled into an argument, don’t try to prove to them that you know what you’re talking about, and certainly do not tell them that they are gaslighting you.
The better option is to say something like, “No, I trust my memory about what happened and we can see things differently,” and then either change the subject, giving yourself some physical space from the person, or telling them that the conversation for you is over for now.
When we can calmly assert our perspectives, despite the other person attempting to undermine them, we are conveying a level of confidence that not only will impact our emotional health but will also telegraph to the other person that we will not be a pawn in their delusions.
The biggest challenge for many people will be to disengage from the back and forth that the gaslighter is betting on. The reason why that’s so hard is because our self-defense systems kick in and we want to correct the misinformation. It’s only natural to want to fight back when we’ve been wrongly accused of misremembering an event.
However, gaslighting isn’t about a misunderstanding; it’s a psychological tactic to undermine your sense of reality. We have to completely disengage from the pull to defend ourselves and instead show that we are confident in our memory of events well enough that we don’t need them to believe us. We believe us, and that is enough.
Reaffirm Your Boundaries
The narcissist wants you to engage with them because that is how they dig their claws into you deeper. They don’t use provocative language for nothing; they know it will get under your skin and then they can do what they do best: Generate self-doubt in you so that their version of reality “wins.”
Staying calm in the face of gaslighting is really about recognizing where our boundaries are. If I know where my boundaries are, then I won’t feel frantic or thrown off course when someone attempts to cross them. I know where I stand and I trust in my capacity to assert my truth when needed.
For example, let’s say that I am confronting someone about an issue I had with them and the response I get is, “No, that’s not what happened.” I have two options: I can either engage and get curious if I feel safe or I can pull out of the conversation if I feel unsafe.
The beauty is that I get to determine how I want to engage. If I sense that I do not feel safe, such that my body is alerting me to something feeling off, I will say, “I disagree, but I would like to come back to this conversation later” or “It seems we have two different memories of what happened, so I will not try to change your mind. However, I would appreciate the same and would prefer if we ended the conversation here.”
Focus on Self-Preservation
When I sense that gaslighting is afoot, I remind myself that my job is to preserve my sense of self and not allow the other person to wiggle their deception into my psyche. To stay calm, I label the gaslighting so that I can see it for what it is, reaffirm my boundaries, take in deep, slow breaths, and remind myself that my memory and perceptions are just fine.
While gaslighting is pervasive and toxic, we can pivot toward our well-being by disengaging from the battle the narcissist wants us to participate in. You can’t play tag without a partner, so the next time they say, “Tag. You’re it,” walk off the field.
