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We are close to wrapping up this five-part series on the thoughts people have when they get mad. Part one tackled catastrophizing, part two covered overgeneralizing, and part three was on misattributing causation. In part four, I am writing about another really important type of thought people have that leads to anger (and this one you simply must know about if you want to be healthy).
That fourth thought type—the one I need you to know about regardless of who you are and how it fits into your life—is called demandingness, and it is when you put your own needs and desires above the needs and desires of those around you.
So imagine you are driving to work, and the car in front of you is driving a little bit over the speed limit, but not as fast as you want them to drive. You might think something like: “They need to drive faster because I have to get to work,” putting your own wants over their wants.
Alternatively, you might be working on a project at work, and you need some information from a colleague. You go ask them, and they tell you that they need to finish what they are doing before they can get it for you. You may get angry because deep down, you are putting your desire to work on your project above their need to work on what they are working on.
Sometimes these unmet wishes become elevated in your mind above and beyond simple desires and into some sort of mandate. People can feel a sense of injustice when their desires are not met. So instead of feeling some minor frustration over being put on hold when they call a help desk, they get furious, because “this place should have enough staff so I don’t get put on hold.”
Like the other thought types I have written about, demandingness is associated with some significant emotional problems. People who think this way have a tendency to get angrier than others and experience more consequences as a result of that anger. They have thoughts of revenge and express their anger in more problematic ways (Martin & Dahlen, 2007; 2011; Martin & Vieaux, 2013).
What can you do to address your demandingness? Here are a couple of options:
1. When your wants are not met, ask yourself if your expectations are reasonable. Try to take a big-picture look at the situation and reflect on whether or not you are being treated unfairly, or if this is a relatively reasonable outcome.
2. Avoid the related thought types too. Demandingness is often most troubling when it is combined with other negative thoughts, like catastrophizing or overgeneralizing. Try to avoid those angering thoughts too.
3. Do not minimize legitimately unfair treatment either. People are treated unfairly sometimes, and it is entirely reasonable to be upset or angry when that happens. There might be other emotional consequences to simply accepting that unfair treatment as reasonable or acceptable.
4. Keep practicing. By now you may have realized that I always end with something related to the need to practice. I do that because it is really hard to just embrace a new style of thinking overnight. Keep being reflective and trying to embrace change.
References
Martin, R. C., & Dahlen, E. R. (2007). The Angry Cognitions Scale: A new inventory for assessing cognitions in anger. Journal of Rational-Emotive and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, 25, 155-173.
Martin, R. C., & Dahlen, E. R., (2011). Angry thoughts and response to provocation: Validity of the Angry Cognitions Scale. Journal of Rational-Emotive and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, 29, 65-76.
Martin, R. C., Vieaux, L. E. (2013). Angry thoughts and daily emotion logs: Validity of the Angry Cognitions Scale. Journal of Rational-Emotive and Cognitive Behavior Therapy, 29, 65-76.
