Have You and Your Partner Defined Your Relationship?

Co-authored with Lauren D. McRae, B.A.

Couple talking

Source: Photo by Matthew Henry

Alice and Shamir are a couple that participated in one of our research studies, and they decided to be exclusive after their first date. Alice said that jealousy in past relationships prompted her to clarify boundaries with Shamir as soon as possible, because she wanted to avoid future problems. Clarifying the nature and boundaries of a relationship and having clear expectations — whether you decide to be monogamous or not — seems like it would be a typical conversation for new couples. However, a surprising number of couples never have the “defining the relationship” talk (Richters et al., 2014).

In our research on mixed-sex newlywed couples, fewer than half report discussing whether extra-dyadic sexual or romantic attachments are acceptable, and about 30 percent don’t even agree about whether they had a discussion in the first place. In other research, about 40 percent of couples who do talk about their boundaries don’t even agree about whether they agreed to be monogamous or not (Warren et al., 2012). Although male same-sex couples are more likely to discuss sexual and romantic boundaries than mixed-sex couples, a significant minority (about 20 percent) do not make any explicit agreement about the boundaries of their relationship (Hosking, 2014).

Couples may not talk about whether it is okay to flirt with others, to kiss another person, or to have sex outside of the dyad, because monogamy is assumed. Over 95 percent of heterosexual partners expect monogamy in their relationship (Richters et al., 2014), and it is a strong cultural norm in North America. However, the visibility of alternative relationship forms (e.g., open, polyamorous) is increasing, and might be an indication of weakening norms about monogamy. This is reflected in popular TV shows, such as Polyamorous: Married & Dating, the web series Unicornland, and polyamorous plot lines in mainstream cable shows such as S.W.A.T., all of which focus on consensually non-monogamous relationships. In our research, about 7 percent of dating couples report being in, or in the past having been in, consensually non-monogamous relationships, and about one in ten Canadian dating couples have some sort of open or polyamorous arrangement (Simpson, 2018).

Despite strong norms and expectations about monogamy, between 2-3 percent of people cheat on their romantic partners in any given year (Richters et al., 2014), and about 20 percent of people report cheating on their partner at least once in their lifetime (Wiederman, 1994). Affairs can have dramatic and devastating consequences for people and for their relationships. A relationship betrayal can be traumatic and lead to depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress symptoms (Cano & O'Leary, 2000), and can make it hard to trust romantic partners (Bagarozzi, 2008). Recovery from affairs is possible, but rebuilding a relationship can be extremely challenging.

Given the prevalence of consensual non-monogamy and the high occurrence of cheating, you might think that defining your relationship and setting boundaries would be a smart way to protect your relationship. There is some evidence that couples who negotiate agreements about exclusivity are less likely to cheat (Richters et al., 2014) and, if consensually non-monogamous, have safer sex with others. Male same-sex partners with sexual agreements are more likely to use condoms and are more frequently tested for STIs than those without agreements (Kippax et al., 1997; Mitchell et al., 2012), and mixed-sex couples with agreements are more likely to discuss safer sex than those without agreements (Warren et al., 2012).

In addition to making relationships safer and less vulnerable to infidelity, discussion of boundaries is associated with greater relationship happiness, sexual satisfaction, and trust in male same-sex couples (Gass et al., 2012; Hoff & Beougher, 2010). However, in our research on newlywed mixed-sex couples, discussions about exclusivity only fostered relationship satisfaction for spouses who were somewhat open to the idea of being emotionally or sexually involved with someone outside of their marriage. Spouses who were not open to the idea of consensual non-monogamy became less maritally satisfied over time when they reporting having exclusivity discussions with their partners. Couples who have strong feelings against consensually non-monogamy and who are in marriages where monogamy might be an unspoken expectation might have less to gain by discussing exclusivity, because even contemplating their romantic partner being with another person is threatening.

What is the “right” thing to do? Discussing relationship boundaries and defining the nature of your relationship might be a great idea, and it could make your relationship less vulnerable to affairs and to unsafe sex with others, but it could be a landmine of sensitive topics. When you talk about these issues with your partner, remember that this can be a tricky subject. It might help to have specific goals for the discussion. Talk openly and with sensitivity about these issues to develop trust and a shared understanding of your relationship expectations. Ideally you will end up with a sense of security in the fidelity of your relationship — whether it be exclusive or consensually non-monogamous.

Lauren McRae is a Master's student in Clinical Psychology at Simon Fraser University who studies how couples communicate about difficult sexual issues.

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