"Mad" and "Sad" Aren’t Bad

In a recent conversation about supporting kids when they feel mad, sad, or scared, psychologist and mom Dr. Emily Kowalski described kids’ experiences of these feelings as “big feelings.” These feelings can come out in intense ways for kids.

We went on to discuss how tempting it is to try to immediately cheer kids up and try to protect them from feeling these tougher feelings. But these feelings are just as important as happiness and joy.

Big feelings can be brought out by seemingly non-important situations, such as not having their favorite snack available, or much more serious events such as learning of a scary event on the news or having something serious happen in their life. Regardless of the reason for the big feeling, kids may need some help in learning how to express themselves and in learning what to do when they feel this way.

Not only it is OK for kids to experience big feelings, but working through these feelings is important to help them learn strategies and develop ways of handling the tough stuff that they will face as they grow older.

Rather than jumping in and trying to change how your child feels or trying to convince them that they shouldn’t feel that way, it may be helpful to instead teach them that it is OK to have these feelings, strategies to work through the feelings, and that they can always reach out for help if they need it.

How to Support Kids Through Big Feelings

1. Listen

Rather than jumping straight to a solution for your child, take a moment to listen to what is most bothering them. Try to avoid interrupting them with solutions. Adults can sometimes miss what kids are actually upset about when they try to jump in and fix it right away.

2. Validate Your Child’s Feelings

Try validating how your child feels, even if you don’t fully understand or can’t identify with how they feel. It’s very common for adults to think to themselves, “How is this a big deal? Why is my child melting down because they lost the blue dog when they have five other dogs?” or “Why are they upset that this pizza doesn’t have the green flecks—it tastes exactly the same?” or “Why don’t they just make new friends that are nicer to them?”

It’s tempting to try to rationalize with our children or convince them that they are not having the “correct” feeling. However, for many children, this makes them even more upset and may make it less likely for them to share feelings.

Rather than trying to change how our children “should” feel, it can be helpful to validate how they do feel. This can help them feel understood and listened to and can often help them begin to calm down. Statements to try could include “It’s OK to feel mad/sad/scared”; “Wow, that does sound hard”; “I can tell you are very angry about that”; or “It is so hard to have these big feelings.”

3. Encourage Adaptive Coping Strategies

After listening and validating your child’s feelings, you can ask them if they would like to brainstorm some ideas to help them feel better.

Some ideas might include:

• Spending time with friends or family
• Asking for hugs or snuggles
• Taking quiet space
• Talking it out
• Listening to music
• Drawing or coloring
• Journaling
• Finding a distraction

4. Teaching Your Child to Ask for Help

Talking about feelings and letting your child share their feelings at a younger age helps them learn that they can come back to you for help in the future. Talk with your child about who they can go to if they ever need help to deal with a feeling. Include yourself and other adults whom your family trusts.

When Does My Child Need Extra Help With Big Feelings?

While feeling sad, mad, or scared sometimes is normal for kids, if your child is experiencing any of these feelings a lot of the time or at a strong intensity, reach out to your child’s doctor to see if they may need support with their emotional health.

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Any time you feel that you cannot keep your child safe due to self-harm concerns or you have concerns about them harming others, take your child to the nearest emergency room so that healthcare providers can evaluate them and get them the help that they need.

The ideas in this blog and resources are not a replacement for mental health care. If you are worried about your own or child’s behaviors or emotions, reach out to your doctor and/or your child’s doctor for help